Friends, Holy smokes, have I got news for you. I’ve officially launched a provider-centric, incredible community gathering space to address burnout for you and build resilience for your patients. It’s called The Provider Lounge: A Community to Build Resilience. It’s part content, part community and it’s going to be fantastic and I don’t want you to miss out! Here’s what I know for sure – you’ll change inside this community. You’re probably already reading these newsletters because you’ve worked with me, attended a workshop, come to a lunch & learn, or been part of my retreat. And what everyone leaves with, after working with me, is wanting more. Attendees have literally said, “Where do I get my own, personal Dr. Amy?” Well, this is your chance! My skills of creating community, script-building, practical interventions, and easy-to-learn tools that will build buffering sources for you and your patients are all wrapped up in this opportunity – monthly content AND community in The Provider Lounge. I know you want to feel less overwhelmed and more purposeful in your work. I know you feel burnout at times. And I know your goal is to connect more meaningfully with patients and respond to their stress, trauma, and adversity with actionable next steps. But, that takes time and implementation. Let me help you. We’ll work together, in community, and over time you’ll feel like a resilience ninja! Come to monthly meetings, ask questions and dive into content. It’s all here for you in The Lounge. Would you like to: Engage with a community of like-minded peers Reduce your own professional burnout Learn point-of-care resilience building tools that can be used in 2-5 minutes? Gain access to a growing library of resources for facilitation of this work Have access to a seasoned developmental psychologist?   If so, The Provider Lounge is for YOU! If you sign up by Friday, November 19, you’re in at the founding member’s price AND I’m going to give you access to my transformational parenting course, The Art of Imperfect Parenting. The founding member’s price is yours forever. As The Provider Lounge grows in resources, number and authority, your price stays the same! And, if you don’t love it, you can cancel at any time. Join us – come for the content, stay for the community. Find a soft place to land in The Provider Lounge. With kindness, Dr. Amy

Friends,

I thought I’d make it easy on you as many of your patients with children, or patients who are children, have questions about returning to school this fall. Delta variants of COVID cases are rising, mask mandates are in effect, parents still linger with vaccine questions – all of this creates a bit of angst as the calendar turns and school plans begin.

Feel free to use this as a handout for parents as you navigate questions during visits about returning to school this fall. Sign this with your name, you clinic’s name – just make it easy. Or print it and hand it out, or use it as a script. You’re going to have to give this speech a thousand times!

With kindness and compassion,

Dr. Amy

Some of you are already sending your kids back to school – in person and online. Every fall, I’m delighted to see kids in excited anticipation heading back to school. Plus, and I’m sure this makes you happy too, I love seeing all of my friends and their kids grow a year older, declare dreams, and smile brightly as they welcome a new teacher or friend. And this year, I’m sad at the same time. I see kids in masks and overburdened teachers welcoming children who feel overcome and uncertain. Five year-olds starting kindergarten on Google classrooms is not what we’d hope to see this fall.

So, that said, I want to provide all of you a few straightforward reminders as we all head back to school in any capacity. 

Most importantly – we are all doing the best we can. Teachers, parents and students. 

Teachers did not sign up for teaching during a pandemic. Whether they’re in person or online, each one is figuring out how to do this for the first time. If a teacher is in-person, they are worried about their health, your kids’ health and their own family’s health. And if they are online, they are faced with trying to teach distracted, overwhelmed kids in meaningful ways. Please give our teachers grace and understanding. Several teachers have reached out to me in tears saying that this way of teaching feels like being a first year teacher all over again and they’re trying to figure everything out that’s new. Thank a teacher. 

Parents did not sign up for this either. Parents are working, we are homeschooling, and we are worried about exposure. We’re trying to be medical educators for our kids, social directors for lonely, isolated kids and athletic trainers for kids with no sports. Parents – be kind to each other. If your friends are choosing a different path – be encouraging vs. discouraging or judgmental. Reach out to another mom and see if she’s ok. Wrap in another child to your online learning program. Just be there for each other. 

Children look to us as to whether or not they are ok. And by this, I’m not saying you have to have your stuff together all the time. I get it – none of us are totally “ok” right now and there is a great deal of uncertainty. But, please understand that if we model to kids that things are uncertain, but that we’re doing our best in uncertainty, they will observe our ability to face adversity. If teachers embrace whatever circumstance they are in with positivity and guidance, children will pick up on their efforts. If parents model encouragement and support for school and teachers, children will know to trust educators. If we all acknowledge for our kids that this is “absolutely crazy and not what we expected but we’re going to make the best of it,” they WILL BE OK. We can show them how to face hard stuff and work through it. Facing adversity as a challenge versus a hardship builds resilience. 

That’s what I mean when I say “kids will be ok if we’re ok.” What I mean is that kids will be ok if we model that, despite these uncertain times, we’re making the best of it. 

Just the other day, I talked with a teacher about social distancing and mask wearing and all the things. She said that in her classroom, they are decorating masks and using lily pads to hop about the classroom for breaks. “If we’re ‘two lily pads apart,’ we’re safe.” And you know what? The kids hopped all over the room with their decorated masks – they did it and showed incredible resilience because the adults in their lives showed them how. 

So, be kind to each other. Show grace. Know that we are all doing our best this fall. And no, I am not quite sure what we are going to do about Halloween yet, because we are simply going to tackle one next moment when it comes. Just one day, one week, one momentous occasion, one holiday at a time.

With kindness and compassion,

Dr. Amy
 

Well, given the response to last week’s post,  it appears to have met a need that we all have – guidance. My hope (and that of my guest contributor, Dr. Kristin Valerius) was to offer guidance and perspective in a way that allowed all of you to focus on comprehensive information without as much fear. Don’t get me wrong, I’m overwhelmed with these decisions too. Often, fear overrides my rationality and I just want to keep my kids at home and pretend none of this is happening. But I cannot. And neither can you.
 
To that end, we have created a tool to help you quantify these difficult decisions. I won’t belabor its content. Take the quiz yourself and find out! Dr. Kristin spent countless hours creating a tool that might guide you to your next best step. Please know that we recognize no decision is perfect. No decision is the “right” decision. We simply want parents to have access to tools and make informed decisions.
 
Know this: There is no shame in whatever decision you make for you and your family. Every decision (other than the stay-at-home 100% and go crazy, if you’re like me!) is difficult and involves some level of risk. You don’t have to justify your decision to other moms, teachers, friends on the internet – no one. We all make the best decisions we can at the time, with the information we have access to, at that time.
 
COVID Decision-Making Tool
 
Click below to download a questionnaire to help guide your decision about returning to school this fall. When creating this tool, we started with available adult supervision knowing that supervision for children is critical and was not available to all parents this spring. As well, engaging in homeschooling requires adult support and scaffolding, not simply supervision. Second, we considered underlying health conditions and overall adjustment to distance learning this past spring.
 
When answering questions about adjustment and next steps, don’t think about your worst or best days. In general, ask yourself, how did things go this spring? Were you able to meet the academic needs of your child, manage sibling relationships and have little conflict with your child? And, did your child fare well? Did he/she meet academic expectations, feel manageable and adjust well emotionally and behaviorally?  

Results
 
Recommendations for next steps fall into several categories based on your answers. If you had multiple columns with high scores, that indicates several competing challenges. We recommend you reach out to school professionals, your pediatrician and/or a mental health provider. In general, we want to encourage you to use the systems available to you – it’s what they are there for, including resources at your child’s school. We recommend having 2-3 meetings with professionals if your column D scores are heavily weighed.  

Socialization, regardless of choice, is critical. Reach out to other parents – we’re all facing enormous stress right now. Create some circles of support for you and your children so that you can all have socialization opportunities. For some parents, this may take a bit of preparation now. Many of the children we work with have found building strong friendships outside of school challenging. Maybe your child had good friends in school, but you haven’t really connected with those parents outside of school. It can feel a bit intimidating at times to try and make that connection with someone you don’t know well. But our world is so different now, and the truth is we are all hungry for connection. When we were busy with sports, jobs, and so many other events certain playdates may have been hard to fit in. But one of the silver-linings from COVID (please let there be some!) is that a simplified schedule leaves more opportunity and desire to meet up outdoors at the park and try and build that out-of-school connection. So take the chance to reach out to that family that you just don’t know well and build a bridge!

In addition, families may want to explore social-emotional learning resources. Small social groupings might be best for kids that struggle socially while older kids might consider alternate activities such as volunteering, a first job, joining a youth group, or seeking out a mentoring role—there will be many younger kids who just might do much better on a class assignment sitting next to a “cool big older kid” than they will with their parents. Given concerns about transmission, we recognize less social engagement might be necessary; but be aware of complete isolation. It’s simply not healthy for you or your children.

Finally, we’d love to hear from you. If you’re willing to submit your results, we want to compile them for decision-makers on local and state levels. To submit your results save the excel spreadsheet once you’ve entered all your answers. Attach it to an email and send it to ksvalerius@sundstromclinic.com. If you want to send your results encrypted simply start with an email to the above with “secure email” in the subject line. Dr. Kristin will respond to your email with a encrypted email. In your reply you can then attach your email and it will be all secured!!
 
We hope this assessment tool helps to guide informed decisions. I want to reiterate, no decision is the right decision – only the one that’s right for you. We are all doing the best we can during precarious times.
 
Let’s keep learning together!
 
Dr. Amy & Dr. Kristin
PS – thank goodness for friends! Dr. Kristin’s brain works so much differently than mine – while our philosophy and messaging is the same, her ability to use excel is STEALTH! Huge thanks to her!

Hello friends,

Just as I finished up writing how to reset summer, emails, DM’s and posts are flooding every inbox with a cry for help around how to answer the question – What about school this fall?  Some of you have to make decisions within weeks while others have a month or so. Regardless, the decisions surrounding school are complex and multi-layered. Add to that a lack of leadership around next steps and messaging that vacillates between terrifying and overwhelming to the point of paralyzing and one aspect becomes crystal clear: We need a way to make a thoughtful decision.
 
Even as I write this, I fear excoriation. Perhaps half of you will stop following me. Maybe you’ll love me more. But one observation I’ve made is that, while there is plenty of information (and misinformation), there is a paucity of professional opinion and guidance for next steps. Fear is flooding the news and social media. Teachers and parents are terrified. So, I feel compelled to offer some thoughts and direction.
 
To that end, I’ve partnered with a colleague, Dr. Kristin Valerius. Jointly, we have over 40 years’ experience working with children and families. We are also working in collaboration with medical experts to carefully digest ways to support children and families. What follows represents two psychologists’ (and moms of 5 kids between us) humble, but thoughtful and informed opinions, about next steps for our kids this fall.
 
First, let us engage in some level-setting:

1. Avoiding risk is a privilege. As we think about return to school, deciding “whether or not” we should go back and how that might look represents privilege. When our nation shut down in March, no one asked the Safeway stockers if they wanted to return to work. No one asked physicians and nurses if it felt “safe enough” for them. We expected our mail to be delivered, our garbage to be picked up, our homes to be safe in the event of fire or robbery, and our health to be our physicians’ number one priority.

To the mamas out there working second shift as an essential worker and the first responders who go to work without a second thought, we thank you. We recognize that you had no choice but to step into the burning house.

1. Any exposure to risk might be non-negotiable for you. Perhaps you or someone you live with has a disease or health condition that puts you/them at risk. Even for those essential workers, those who fell into a vulnerable health population were often given concession. If that’s you, we get that too. In no way are we encouraging parents, family members or children to gamble with their health.

2. Policy should be proximate to the pain. I wish we were so wise, but this quote is from Dr. Jeff Duncan-Andrade, professor at SFSU. What he was encouraging educators and leaders to consider was that we most focus on what is best for the most vulnerable people and that will help lead us to the best policy. We recognize that, for some families, being away from school – the structure, safety, nourishment and resources it provides – is deleterious to children’s health. When weighing risk and needs, our most vulnerable families – those with food insecurities, homelessness, physical safety concerns and lack of adult supervision – are in most need of systemic supports and resources from our schools. It is imperative for schools to creatively consider ways to support our most vulnerable students. And it is equally imperative that if you are a family with privilege that does not consider yourself vulnerable, it is upon you to look out for those families too. They are all of our children.

Second, let’s be sure our decisions are based on scientific, researched information.

1. Get informed. Much of the delirium and angst that parents, teachers and schools are facing are coming from opinion and others’ fears; and, unfortunately, not educated scientists who specialize in the areas of mental health, school, and medicine. Two websites that we have found quite helpful and informative are:

   1. COVID Explained. https://explaincovid.org/

   2. Don’t Forget the Bubbles. https://dontforgetthebubbles.com/evidence-summary-paediatric-covid-19-literature/

   3. ACES Connection. https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/a-better-normal-education-upended-the-return-to-school-episode

1. Guided recommendations.

   1. Infection and disease burden. A review of the research shows that kids are not getting infected with COVID-19 at the same as older populations. And when they do, their symptoms are mild and often asymptomatic.

OK, perhaps that’s not reassuring b/c you’re still worried about them being asymptomatic and getting teachers and staff sick, right?

1. Transmission. Increasingly, the available research suggests that kids are less likely to spread the virus to others, as well. Across multiple countries, children have rarely been the “index case” that started a cluster of infection (even though asymptomatic adults have frequently been identified as index cases)…nor have they been the first one in a family to be infected. Several studies from schools re-opening have shown that when COVID+ children or staff attended school, the people they came in contact with did not get COVID. There is still much work to do in replicating and reviewing this research, but there is good reason to believe that protecting children and teachers from transmission is possible.  

To note – it’s not helpful that there are hundreds of IG stories and funny FB satires on teachers’ expressing worry about kindergarteners picking each others’ noses, middle schoolers swapping spit, or teenagers being buffoons regarding social distancing. The research is clear – while kids spread a lot of other diseases (the flu, for instance) they’re not spreading COVID at the same rate! So, please stop watching these and terrifying yourselves!!

1. Mortality. As well, their mortality rate is less than 2% of the entire mortality rate of “all things that children die from each year.” Read that again, because many of you are listening to news that takes a student population (let’s say 2,000 kids in a high school) and saying that 40 kids (2% of 2000) are going to die. That’s simply not true! The CDC reports 42 deaths out of the 53 million school age children in our country (a rate of .0001%). Applied to our state of 583,000 school age children we would expect less than 1 student death! Indeed, out of the 1700 pediatric cases in Oregon we have had no deaths. The likelihood that our children are going to die from COVID is less likely that many other illnesses, natural disasters, or events such as a school shooting.

We’re all terrified of losing someone we love. We are not minimizing loss and grief at all and we recognize that many of you have experienced this loss first hand. At the same time, we don’t want parents inappropriately worried about their child dying because the research simply does not indicate that as a likely outcome.
 
What is clear is that adults are transmitting the virus at high rates. Although we’re not concerned about rates of transmission b/w kids based on a literature review, we remain concerned about teachers and other adults infecting each other. We highly recommend schools have systems in place for adult behavior. For instance, precautions in teacher lounges, offices, supply rooms, libraries and other common spaces. It’s likely not a good idea for teachers to share supplies, classrooms or other physical property whenever possible.
 
Finally, now that we have had some level-setting AND we’re guided by factual information, let’s dig into what many of you are overwhelmed by – the multiple decisions regarding how school might look this fall. We recognize, that we are faced with less-than ideal options and that there is no “right” answer. There are no absolute truths; and, decisions you make will be multi-layered. What we encourage you to ponder involves decisions that are genuine to you and your family. No one else’s circumstances are quite your own – so asking friends and neighbors might be validating and help you process; but those are simply opinions. Consider the following when deciding what is best for your family:

1. Consider your relationships. We truly believe that many parent-child relationships were strained this spring. Parents limped by for 6-8 weeks of schooling with threats, fatigue, lack of information, angry conversations and crying kids. Parents felt overwhelmed in balancing work demands and home demands in addition to creating learning plans at home. No one signed up for the crisis we faced and we all did the best we could for spring school. That said, it’s our professional opinion that utilizing the same model for the 2020 school year may be detrimental to your relationship with your child. If you or your child struggled to adjust to schooling this spring consider an alternate plan. The attachment and quality of relationship you have with your children is one of their most important wellness resources!!

2. Kids mental health has and continues to suffer. In May, we saw a huge rise in depression, helplessness, suicidal behavior, anger and withdrawal. We are seeing another rise this summer as uncertainty about the future, including but not limited to, the future of school and social isolation. From early childhood to teens, we are seeing a spike in sadness, anger and isolation. We witness similar symptoms in parents. Children require consistency, structure and predictability to thrive. As well, they are meant to be social. However that might look, it is important to begin to craft a “best practice” plan so that children may realize those themes.

3. Ask a medical and/or mental expert about your unique situation. Just because your friend’s child has asthma, does not mean that your child’s asthma will present the same way or have the same outcomes in a school environment. The same is true for mental health, chronic medical conditions, learning difficulties, or special needs. Reach out to your pediatrician and/or psychologist to glean information about what is best for your unique child. That professional can help you wade through the complexities of your child and family and help you come to a decision that is best for you and your child.

4. Children are resilient. There is a lot of information out there that returning to school for children will be traumatizing. That wearing masks, asking children to socially distance themselves, or not hug/touch each other will create acute fear and trauma. As an expert on trauma and resilience – I want you to consider the following:

   1. Kids will rise up to the expectations that adults set out for them. If we explain masks, hand-washing and social distancing to them in developmentally appropriate ways, they can and will understand. If I can explain executive functioning to kindergarteners, you bet we can explain mask-wearing and “sneaky germs” in a way that doesn’t escalate fear but builds compliance.

   2. Kids are born to be resilient. Working through crises and problem solving actually creates resilient children. Kids have now gone through active shooter drills in our schools. Kids face bullying, isolation, failure and peer pressure in schools. And yet, kids show us every day that they will rise up.

   3. Resilience can be taught, modeled and improved upon.

   4. Kids regulate their emotions based on relationships with healthy adults. We tend to agree that if teachers and administrators model angst and overwhelm this fall, kids will emulate those behaviors. But if teachers model best practice, regulating behaviors and have genuine talks about fears, concerns and overwhelm, kids will mirror us. Equally, parents set the tone for whether all of this is OK. Your children need to hear the calm consistent message that “This is hard and is really a bummer, but we can adjust and deal with hard things…our flexibility and making smart choices will get us through!”

5. Create a village of homeschool collaboration. We believe it’s critically important to begin to reach out to other parents right now. Whether you’re participating in a full-time homeschool option or some type of hybrid option, this next step is imperative.

   1. Find a small group of parents with whom you can homeschool and collaborate. 3-6 families total.

   2. Make an agreement about health and safety concerns and how you might handle kids behaviors consistently.

   3. Invite them to create a “collaborative” of sorts where each parent takes a turn being in charge of a day.

   4. When it’s “your day” – you’re in charge of creating structure, support, meals & snacks, physical outlets and inspiration. Then you get to be done!

   5. A collaborative allows structure, support and predictability as well as socialization with peers – critical ingredients to success! As well, it allows parents a chance to work and have breaks – another critical ingredient.

6. Wrap in another kid. Remember what we said before? There are kids whose parents may not be in a position to offer a full day of support. Wrap another child into your collaborate. Invite their parent to participate or contribute in a meaningful way. Perhaps that parent can make healthy snacks or lunches. Maybe he/she can review papers at night or provide an outing for the kids on the weekend? Don’t lose out on an opportunity to be inclusive. It is our hope that once the cohort groups are built in your child’s classroom that parents can review their cohort and see who may need an invitation to join their collaborative on the “off-days.”

7. Use numbers. To this end, Dr. Valerius has create a decision tree that might help you in your process. This tool will drive a decision that is filled with emotion to become more quantifiable. See, anxiety loves “what ifs” and “look over here.” It cringes at observable numbers and data. So, we thought a decision tree would be quite helpful for those of you that need help weighing pros and cons.

 
Stay tuned! The decision tree is coming! We’ll post it next week. Take time digesting this information first.
 
We hope this helps you find calm within chaos. We hope that you feel direction and support. Please know we are guiding families through these decisions every day and we are making decisions for our own children as well. None of these choices do we take lightly.
 
Please do not hesitate to comment below with thoughts and questions.
 
You can always reach me at awstoeber@hotmail.com and Dr. Valerius at ksvalerius@sundstromclinic.com.  
 
In the meantime, we stand with all of you as we walk through difficult times. We cherish your children and want only the best for our children, communities and schools.
 
With humility and kindness,
Dr. Amy & guest contributor, Dr. Kristin Valerius

P.S. Join our FB group here – see you soon!

Hello friends – I’m so excited that so many of you have joined our private Facebook group, Parenting with Intention. Questions are flying and support is growing for our community of parents who want “more” than just books and quick tips – but truly want to be intentional about parenting and creating a village of support as we muck through parenting together. 

Well, it’s here. We’re into the full swing of summer – COVID spikes and all. It’s as if summer says, “I’m still here, promising long days outside and full, sunny days, even if you are not ready to fully welcome me.” Amidst so much uncertainly and social unrest, summer comes in with its blanket of warmth and offers relaxation and reprieve. While we are well into July, we’re already looking at school’s return this fall. 

And yet, there’s still time for summer reset. Kids and families need a few weeks of calm, if possible.

Here are 5 ideas to reset with your kids this summer. Even if it’s just a few, short weeks.

1. Detox from screens. If you haven’t done this, I highly recommend it. Given how much time kids spent on screens this spring – between distance learning and social connections, their brains need a reset. Put away phones, tablets and video games, or considerably lessen their allowed time. Place phones in baskets during meals, creating charging stations and take time to pause on video games. This goes for us as parents, too. For more information, check this out: Digital Detox. 

1. Get embodied. Embodiment means being present and experiencing life in our bodies. During quarantine and unrest, our bodies need movement and presence with our senses. Get outside. Stretch. Dig your fingers into sand and dirt. Look into someone’s eyes and experience presence. Play. Here’s a great resource from a colleague of mine, Dr. Dodson-Magee: 

1. Play local. I’m as sad as you are, my friends, at all of the canceled fun this summer. Sports, vacations, camps, and gatherings have been canceled and limited. So, go find new spots. Go on day hikes. Find places in your state you’ve never explored or support a little business or restaurant in an neighborhood you’ve not visited. Go for a long drive and get lost in conversation with your kids. They’ll bemoan you at first; but they’ll remember these experiences forever. Here’s a fun idea: Google “hikes near me for families” – I literally hit a hiking jackpot. Let your kids pick a spot! 

1. Be social, but be safe. I understand that we all want to spend time with other people – we’re social beings. But safety is paramount right now. So, find time to be social and safe. Maybe it means physically distanced chats in your neighborhood or playdates outside on bikes. Perhaps, it’s camping with friends outdoors or kayaking on the river. You can be social and still find safety. If you haven’t had a chance to read last week’s newsletter on what is developmentally appropriate for kids and mask-wearing – click here. 

1. Unwind. Find some moments over the next few weeks to lean into rest. This spring, there was a surge of home improvement projects, puzzles, frenetic home-schooling and restlessness as we struggled with what to do during mandatory stay-at-home time. But, summer begs lazy days and rest. Let your kids build forts, climbing structures, and play in sprinklers. Get out paints and bubbles and jump ropes. Lay in the grass, check out stars and go camping in your own back yard. It’s important that we allow ourselves time to rest, especially with so much going on in our world and in our country.

This fall will be here and schools, in whatever format, will be here before we know it. So recharge and reconnect. Take time to rest and find reprieve. Your kids will thank you for modeling the self-care and relationship tending that these ideas provide. 

It’s not to late to reset for this summer – our kids’ minds and hearts need some calm from all of the chaos more than ever. 

I hope to see you inside our Facebook group, or drop me a line and let me know how your summer is going.

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

P.S. Join our FB group here – see you soon!

Hello friends, – if you’re like me, your heart is heavy. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, school is ending without fervor, and we are amidst a call for national healing regarding racism. As a white psychologist and mother, I am not an expert on anti-racism (there are links below to black authors and educators who are experts); but what I will offer you is my experience. With humility. 
 

I still remember some of my friends and family members rolling their eyes when I bought my 18-month-old daughter (now 15) a black baby doll. Her name was Rosie and she was so loved. It offered the opportunity to engage in a lot of uncomfortable conversations with people as Rosie was carted around (or when we bought black barbies or I bought books about diversity for our home). Here were some of the questions/comments we (my daughter and I) remember:
 

“Why would you get her a black doll when she’s white?”

“She’s not going to have a black baby when she’s older, so why now?”

“What’s the point in this?” 

I tried hard as my kids were growing up to be intentional about the type of media and books they were exposed to as well as how topics around diversity & equity were covered at school. As we were brainstorming this weekend, here are just a few books they remember and loved (a more thorough link to books on racism and inclusivity are included below):
 

The Snowy Day. Author: Keats

Henry’s Freedom Box: A True Story from the Underground Railroad. Author: Levine

It’s OK to be Different. Author: Parr

He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands. Author: Nelson

A People’s History of the United States. Author: Zinn

Fast forward to preschool and my son confronting a peer at the sand table when he had two boy play figures getting married. The example here is not of racial diversity, but rights for the LGBTQ+ community.

Peer: Jack, boys can’t marry each other.

Jack: Yes they can. 

Peer: Boys marry girls, not other boys.

Jack: (Louder, frustrated) That’s not true. 

Peer: It is true. Boys and girls get married. You’re wrong Jack!!

Jack: (big voice) Boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls;

and all of them can have babies and families….
 

And then, last night at the dinner table, as we discussed race, protests and our nation’s pain for (I’m not even sure how many) nights in a row….my daughter looks at me and says, “Mom, don’t you think that a person who’s black maybe acts differently from the moment he or she gets pulled over or talked to by a cop because they’re scared?” Tears. Genuine tears from me – I was prouder of her at that moment than any other academic lesson she could have mastered. She’s understanding a larger picture. 

 

I’ve always believed in the Southern Poverty Law Center’s curriculum, Starting Small. 
 

It encourages all of us to have many conversations about race and inclusivity from the earliest part of our children’s lives. White people do not do this to the same extent Black, Indigenous and People of Color (BIPOC) do while children are growing up. 
 

It’s my belief, as a psychologist, that any conversation worth having is worth having 100 times. Race and inclusivity is a great example.
 

I want to reiterate, as a white mom and psychologist, I do not proclaim to be an expert on anti-racism. I continue to try to learn and grow every day. But I do feel that it’s obligated to us as parents to have these very difficult conversations with our children on a regular basis from the time they are small. And to offer allyship to our friends, colleagues and community members who are BIPOC. 

On another note, I would love it if you joined me for an upcoming focus group on Parenting and Discipline. We will meet for one hour on June 17th at 7 pm. It’s free and an opportunity to inform me about your biggest parenting struggles so that I can better serve you in our blog and in upcoming parenting courses that I offer.
 

Parenting with Intention Focus Group.

With great humility and compassion,

Dr. Amy

Resources:
 

New York Times columnist Jessica Grose put together the following books about anti-racism and protest:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/parenting/kids-books-racism-protest.html

Amazing Authors and Educators on anti-racism:

Rachel Cargle – https://www.rachelcargle.com/

Southern Poverty Law Center – https://www.splcenter.org/

Teaching Tolerance – https://www.tolerance.org/

On Instagram: @RaiseGoodKids, @kidsrcapable, @ohhappydani

Hello friends, insert sigh here….if you’re like me, my family and many other families I saw this week and heard from, you’re exhausted.

Somehow, the calendar turned over to May and kids and families, who previously were doing “OK”, suddenly felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
 
Be sure to go back and read previous posts on managing worry and recognizing stress in kids. But in the meantime, I want all of you to join me for a collective deep breath.
 
Let me be clear. It’s normal for all of us to go through emotional ups and downs. During the day and even hour-to-hour, this is a grind. But, this past week felt heavier. Families felt fragile. Kids began to fall apart. Teachers were crying. Parents wanted to throw in the towel. Something in May signified a mixed message for many. We think May means spring, fun, 6 weeks of school, graduations, celebrations and all things new. What it felt like was loss, overwhelm, and SIX MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL?
 
Naturally, this time of year is tough for any student, ask a teacher. Kids are restless, tired and have a sense of spring fever. But this May is unique – we’re experiencing all of the restlessness without many feelings of joy or celebration.
 
So, what do we need right now? What can we do with all of that collective sadness or angst?
 
Pretend it’s not there?
Gloss over it with “we’ll be ok?”
Encourage people to focus on the goodness?
Watch videos of people coming together?
 
I say, what we need most right now is acknowledgment. Yep. Embrace the suckiness and sadness and overwhelm and angst. Let yourself sit there for a bit. Sit there with your kids, your partner, your co-worker. Let them cry. Let them vent. Let your kindergartener mourn his/her teacher and let your senior sit in his/her cap and gown and sob. Take pictures of the prom dress and throw the baseball that won’t see a game. Be angry for something you never anticipated or signed up for….
 
After you’ve done that, after you’ve let yourself sit with your or someone else’s pain only then can we move forward. Pain requires acknowledgment. Before we can find purpose and meaning or celebration or “good” we must acknowledge pain. Acknowledgment heals.
 
That’s it, my friends. I’m here for you.
 
Dr. Amy
 
P.S. If you’d like some way to find purpose later this week, after you dust yourself off, I’d love for you to join me in toasting teachers this Friday for a virtual Happy Hour. What is a virtual happy hour for teachers? It’s a time to come together as a community of educators and have fun together! It’s socially connected (but physically distant!) way to laugh, inspire, and connect. We’ll share teacher stories, play some fun games (think COVID-teacher bingo inspired by google classroom sightings!), and take some time to hear what Dr. Amy has to say about rejuvenation and well-being for teachers during this time. There will be surprises, teacher gifts, and a little dancing; but MOST OF ALL – COMMUNITY AND CONNECTION!

A Toast for Teachers!

Hello friends- How are you? If you’re like me, you’re great one moment and then in tears the next, only to be followed by confusion and utter boredom. No? Just me?
 
I hope you had a chance to read last week’s blog about managing worry. If you haven’t, you can check it out here. If you’re a teacher and you’re feeling overwhelmed, be sure to check out this free resource.

We must, as adults in children’s lives, manage our own stress and worry first – dysregulated adults cannot help children regulate their own feelings – and they need us right now. It’s OK to not be OK right now; but if you’re an adult who’s suffering, please reach out for help – from me or another trusted provider. I want all of us, as adults, putting on our oxygen masks first.
 
Now, on to the children. What does stress look like in children? How does it present itself? What should we look for? And when we see it, what do we do? I’ve got you covered. Here are 5 ways stress presents in children and how to help kids manage worry.

1. Sometimes stress comes out as anger. Anger can look like mean words, eye rolling, loud voices, isolation, slamming doors, complete withdrawal and stonewalling, or refusal to engage – and all of that was just my 13-year-old this morning! But seriously, when kids don’t have a way or the experience to express more complex feelings, often anger is the go-to defense mechanism. Anger presents itself as a mask to more complicated, vulnerable feelings that usually can be identified as: SAD, WORRIED, OR CONFUSED.

2. Helplessness is another way that stress presents in children. Feeling out of control, in despair and overwhelmed are typical ways that children experience worry and stress. There is so much that they cannot control right now, which leads to a feeling of helplessness. They’ve been removed from their normal routines, their friends and many people around them are stressed too. Enter overwhelm.

3. Perhaps your kids seem completely exhausted right now… fatigue is another way that stress presents in children. My 15-year old said it best the other day. “I’m underwhelmed and overwhelmed all at the same time.” Guess what that does to your energy levels? It zaps them! Monotony, overwhelm and disconnect all lead to feelings of tiredness and fatigue.

4. Numbing out or dissociating is another way that children experience stress. This might look like playing video games non-stop, zoning out on screens, disappearing into their bedrooms, looking bleary-eyed and disconnected, seeming “meh” or disengagement with regular activities. It’s kind of like their brains have decided to go on strike because all of this is simply too much to handle. Anyone else feel this way?

5. I’m so bored!! How many of you have heard that? Boredom presents itself in whininess, clinging to us, and complaining from children. Some kids over eat, check out, wander or will complain of other feelings like lonely, tired and isolated. They really have not had a lot of chances prior to this pandemic to be THIS BORED… me neither! We typically have children so overscheduled and overstimulated that boredom rarely enters into their vernacular. Whew!

 
Now, what’s a parent to do? How do we address stress in these young people we love? Here are a few practical ways to intervene to address stress.
 
Anger – First, help your child regulate. Regulation before redirection or consequences for angry outbursts will lead you to more connection with your child. Help your child do some belly breathing or get to a calm space. Acknowledge the anger and then give him/her some other feeing words that will more readily address the more complex feelings.
 
“You seem sad right now and it’s coming out as withdrawing from your family. Do you want to talk about it?” Or, “I bet you’re confused about why all of this is going on right now. I can help you talk through some of it if you’d like.” Or,
“Sometimes anger and worry come together – I know there’s a lot on your mind right now. Can we make a list of your top 3 worries?”
 
Helplessness – Because there are so many things that feel out of control to your child, lend them some opportunities for control. Can your child choose their bed time or when they’re working on school work? Can he/she decide what’s for dinner and help you? Can your child have some control of their space – maybe some privacy or fun redecorating a space to feel cozy? Or, can you simply provide more choices throughout the day – choices that might not matter to you, but lend your child a sense of control.
 
Fatigue – Structure, predictability, and consistency – repeat. Structure, predictability, consistency – repeat. Remember, that your daily schedule, pre-pandemic, had a lot of structure to it. Try to replicate structure and predictability where you can. I’m encouraging my kids to go to bed and wake up at the same time, exercise regularly, and get dressed every day. While it might seem fun at first to take a “summer camp approach” or “vacation-mind” to this time, our kids actually thrive on consistency. As well, encouraging lots of mental breaks balanced with physical activities and embodied time – both will combat fatigue.
 
Numbing out – While some amount of this is normal, a lot is not healthy. Try to help your children recognize the difference between passive and active coping tools. Passive coping will lead us to numbing – video games/screens, sleeping, and mindlessly eating are all passive coping tools. Active coping tools such as journaling, exercising, engaging with friends, listening to music and reading will bring us back into the present and away from numbing.
 
Boredom – First, validate what’s happening. Acknowledge that our kids haven’t had this opportunity and that boredom can actually provide a lot of time for creativity and pondering. Second, help your child find purpose. Encourage him/her to sit in the feeling of “being bored” and ask questions about what he/she would like to do – hobbies, interests, cooking, etc. can all decrease boredom. You might also ask about loneliness, which is often mistaken for boredom.
 
That’s all my friends. I hope this helps you and your children address some of the overwhelm you’re facing right now.
 
Speaking of overwhelm, if you’re a teacher or love a teacher, grab this free resource on how to create mindset shifts and manage feelings of overwhelm.
 
Let’s keep learning together – I’m here for you.
 
Dr. Amy
 
PS – Find me on Facebook and Instagram
PPS – Reply to this email now and let me know how you’re doing – I love hearing from you!

Hello Friends,

I hope this blog post finds you healthy and safe right now amidst COVID-19. I know there are so many unknowns during this time. One thing for sure is that I’ll keep showing up for you regardless of our stay-at-home order – I feel like we need each other now more than ever!

So many of you have reached out to me via email, Facebook and phone calls about how to manage worry. I know we covered “How to Talk with Kids During Uncertain Times” in our last blog post. If you didn’t get a chance to review the content that includes scripts across all developmental stages, please check it out now.

Today, I want to talk to you about worry. We all have many worries that we hold onto in a given day. And the way I think about worries is through an analogy called “Worry Pie.” Here’s a picture:

1.     Past Worries – Worries of the past comprise about 30 percent of our time. These events have already happened.  Our “if only” or “I wish I would have” thoughts get in our way. Worry, guilt, regret, or shame can consume our thoughts. This might be worries about a fight you had with someone you love, a test that was failed, a meeting that went poorly, or an event that caused harm. The focus on past worries are events that have occurred earlier in the day, in the week, or in our lives.

2.     Future Worries – Worries of the future comprise another 30 percent of our time. These events have not happened yet; but our “what ifs” and “what might” type of thoughts get in the way. Future worries such as upcoming meetings or appointments, tests/quizzes, conversations, illness, vacations, etc. can fill our brains with concern. Future worries might be focused on events happening later in a day or months and years away.

3.     Out of Control Worries – Worries that are out of our control comprise 30 percent of our mind. These worries are tricky and truly out of our control – usually they have to do with someone else’s behavior or a natural disaster/pandemic. Out of control worries are a struggle for power and loss of control. The unknown can be terrifying for people.

4.     Now – The present. This is only about 10% of what our mind has capacity for given all of the other worries. Yet, it’s the only worry that we can do something about. It’s happening, literally, right now. “Right now” worries/concerns/cares happen in the moment. Whatever a person is currently engaged in – a behavior, activity, meeting, etc.

The key is to focus on “right now worries” – the present. It helps us shift from a state of paralysis, future focus and past worry, to a state of “can do” – because the present is the only timeframe in which we can have control. And our own behavior is the only behavior we can control. When we “let go” of other worries and focus on what we can do in the present moment – things become actionable, goal-oriented and anxiety can significantly decrease.

So think about this approach during a time of crisis, such as we’re facing right now. These are just some examples that I’m hearing from so many of you.

Past Worries – Have I been exposed? Why didn’t I check in with my teacher before we left school? Was that check-out clerk looking sick at the grocery store? Should I have stayed home sooner than I did?

Future Worries – What if I get sick? What if my kids get sick? What if someone I love dies? What happens if I can’t graduate? When will this be over? What if my job ends?

Out of Control Worries – When will this be over? Why does my neighbor/friend/colleague seem to be ignoring recommendations? Why does everyone else seem ok during this time? Will things ever be normal?

What I want you to focus on is what you can do now. Here are some examples:

• Focus on your own safety measures and precautions for you and your loved ones.

• Take care of yourself on a daily basis.

• Check in with people you love in your circle of family and friends.

• Engage in physical activity on a daily basis.

• Reassure your children of their safety.

• Limit media exposure.

• Give up homeschooling perfection.

• Reach out for help.

• Ask for resources and support.

Please know I’m here for you. Here’s how I’m showing up and would love to help you:

• Facebook Lives every Monday at 12:30ish

• Facebook Group for moms who’ve gone through separation or divorce

• A Workshop Series focused on being a imperfect homeschooling parent and embracing “good enough”

What else can I do to help and support you right now? Please let me know! Let me hear from you and leave your comments below.