Hey Friends,

Thank you for all of the birthday well-wishes a couple of weeks ago, my heart felt full.

I’m closing out our series on connection this week by focusing on connection to yourself. If you haven’t had a chance to read the connection series, here’s a link to the first of the series. Today, I thought we might talk about saying “yes” after we discussed boundaries last week with a focus on saying “no.”

Often, we fall on one end of the spectrum or the other. Some of us are quite good at saying no, while others must learn more firm boundaries. The same is true about saying “yes.” But, I’m going to take a bit of a spin on saying “yes” by creating some structure for you that you might reflect on. The only way to give an enthusiastic yes is by following these steps.

1. What have I said “no” to? If you’re not setting good boundaries, you don’t have room for more yeses. Often, saying no to one obligation opens up room for something you’ll enjoy more.

2. Do you have any basic needs that aren’t being met? If your needs of food, shelter, utilities, or job security are not being met, no need to add more.

3. Are you taking care of someone right now who depends on you? Small children? Elderly parents? A child with a disability? A sick spouse or partner? Just focus there and give yourself permission to say “yes” to other opportunities at a later time.

4. Have you taken care of yourself recently? Are you sleeping well and fueling your body? You can’t say “yes” to more if you haven’t made yourself a priority – otherwise, you’ll be overwhelmed and burned out.

“Ok, Dr. Amy, I’m saying no, my basic needs are met, my family is not struggling significantly and I’m taking care of myself pretty well. I’m ready for more.” Or maybe you’re thinking…

“Dr. Amy, at this rate, I’ll never be able to say yes, someone always needs me” Or,

“Dr. Amy, I don’t have a choice but to say yes to these things, there are so many obligations”

Let’s break these down. But first, please notice that I didn’t say any of this is easy or that we have to be perfect. When you look at the above factors, think “relatively good” because none of us are operating on full cylinders right now. This is simply a way to begin to assess basic needs first, then create room for more.

If you look at the statements above, the main point I’m making is that I want you to make an intentional decision about what you’re saying “yes” to so that you don’t have overwhelm and resentment. Whenever possible, I want your yeses to be enthusiastic and not burdensome. Conversely, I recognize that there are some things we do out of obligations. As well, saying “no” is often a privilege and I realize that saying “no” isn’t always an option. But is saying yes?

Friends, think about this – every day we get a bucket of energy. It’s not endless. Once we give away our energy, it’s gone. So I want you to choose wisely, especially right now during trying times. Who deserves your energy? What deserves your energy? Say “YES” to those things and people first.

With so much on our collective plates right now, I hope you find peace in your yeses and your no’s.

With compassion,
Dr. Amy

PS – Please join my newest Facebook group called Parenting with Intention. It’s an amazing community of supportive, honest parents full of love, ideas and honesty.

Want to be the first to hear when Dr. Amy’s parenting course opens up again? It’s getting rave reviews! Join us here

Hey Friends,

Sometimes, our friends say it better than we do. In light of the recent election and political climate, I’m sharing an article written by my colleague, Dr. Shauna Tominey, Assistant Professor of Practice and Parenting Education Specialist at Oregon State University. Dr. Tominey points out that, as parents, we have an opportunity to talk to our kids about losing gracefully, as this is a skill that transitions into adulthood. It’s more important today than ever.

https://creatingcompassionatekids.org/blog

Enjoy this article and my hope is that it creates an opportunity to have a rich, meaningful discussion with your children.

With kindness,

Dr. Amy

PS – Please join my newest Facebook group called Parenting with Intention. It’s an amazing community of supportive, honest parents full of love, ideas and honesty.

Want to be the first to hear when Dr. Amy’s parenting course opens up again? It’s getting rave reviews! Join us here

I’m adding a little bonus to our series on connection by taking on my birthday to express gratitude. I have so many beautiful connections in my life – personal and professional. Some connections have been heart-breaking, some life-changing, and others soul-lifting. But every connection has mattered.

It’s important to celebrate birthdays. Why? Not for self-promotion or random social media wishes, but truly sit in gratitude.

I’m grateful 45 years. Yes, 45….all things banana clips, neon socks, aqua net hairspray and Bon Jovi.
I’m grateful for lessons.
I’m grateful for my heart being broken, my heart being repaired, and my heart finding love.
I’m grateful for friends that have inspired me, hurt me, forgiven me, picked me up and held space for me.
I’m grateful for dark chocolate and raspberries.
I’m grateful I can move my body and sweat.
I’m grateful for my family that is loyal and my friends who’ve become family.
I’m grateful my mom gave birth to me this day 45 years ago and taught me what it means to be loved unconditionally.
I’m grateful my dad fell in love with me at 18 months so I could experience the love from a dad that all girls need.
I’m grateful to experience my children who make me crazy and laugh and joyful and remind me of my purpose every day.
I’m grateful to have experienced true love and the safety within a relationship where I feel honored and protected.
I’m grateful for a career that makes me feel passionate and dedicated.
I’m grateful for puppy kisses, coffee, pinot noir, and cream cheese frosting.

So, friends, I’m grateful for another trip around the sun. I’m grateful for my birthday.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

With gratitude,

Dr. Amy

PS – I don’t know where you’re at with the election (which is the day this newsletter will come out) but I wish you peace. I know I’ll be nervous on election day and I stand with all of you and hold space for how overwhelming this political year has been for all of us.

PSS – Please join my newest Facebook group called Parenting with Intention. It’s an amazing community of supportive, honest parents full of love, ideas and honesty.

Want to be the first to hear when Dr. Amy’s parenting course opens up again? It’s getting rave reviews! Join us here

Hey Friends,
 
Well, I don’t know about you, but it seems like we went from worry about dry grass and wildfires to making fires indoors in a one, hot minute. Welcome Fall – it’s here! That’s the funny thing about seasons, they come whether we’re ready or not – and I mean that both literally and figuratively.
 
I’ve gotten such great feedback from so many of you about the last few week’s theme on connection and creating Circles of Support. I love hearing your stories, your frustrations, and your experiences as you try to expand circles. If you missed the series, you can find the most recent one here.
 
Today, I want to talk about what to do when you need to set boundaries with people in your circles; or when you need to remove people all together from your close circles. Let’s talk about saying “no” to people and obligations.
 
Saying no.
 
It’s something we can all get better at doing. Especially when it comes to toxic people in our lives.

 The last several years, my motto has been
“I’m not trying harder than _____ in this relationship.” 

Try it on. It’s hard at first, but you get more comfortable, I promise.
 
And I don’t mean that we can’t all have bad days. I don’t mean that there won’t be times we carry a little more than a person we love and care about. But what I AM saying is that we should NOT carry it all, all of the time.
 
All of the work.
All of the love.
All of the burden.
All of the tending.
All of the concern.
 
That’s not what relationships are for – that’s what a therapist is for when you need healing. That’s what your doctor is for when you’re not well. It’s why you confess to your priest or pay a lawyer for services. But that’s not a friendship or a partnership.
 
In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say “‘NO’ is a one-word sentence.” I say, yes to that!
 
Can you volunteer for x? No.
Can you take on this project? No.
Can I ask a favor? No.
Can you help me with ….. No.
Can I take from you without giving back? Absolutely no!
 
And you don’t have to explain, apologize, excuse yourself, or provide any explanation. Sure, you can try other versions of “no” that feel more genuine to you, like….
 
No, Thank you.
No, I cannot.
No, I’m not available.
No, this won’t work for me.
Or simply, no.

 And then let it go. See what happens. Notice how people respond. I promise you this: Their response says a WHOLE LOT MORE about them than it does about you. 

Could I say more? Yes. Am I going to?
Nope.
 
Tell me how you say “no” or why it feels hard for you – I’d love to hear from you.
 
With compassion,
 
Dr. Amy
 
PS – Please join my newest Facebook group called Parenting with Intention. It’s an amazing community of supportive, honest parents full of love, ideas and honesty.

Want to be the first to hear when Dr. Amy’s parenting course opens up again? It’s getting rave reviews! Join us here 

Hey Friends,

How’d you do on your homework last week? OK, so you got distracted with online learning, pumpkin picking (socially distant, of course) and catching up on football. No? Just me? Or you’re crazy-busy because work is picking up after months of COVID-denial from other businesses….No? Just me? Perhaps it just felt hard. That’s ok too. I asked you to take a vulnerability risk by inviting people from your secondary support circle into your primary circle. If you missed it, you can catch up here.

After you’re caught up on homework, we’re ready to expand your circle. This outer circle is usually systems that you interact with or people that are paid to be in your life. Often providers, teachers, and systems fall in this circle. This is where I am for many people. Remember, systems can be on any level of the circles and are often critical supports to have in place. Food boxes, suicide helplines, utility companies, DV shelters, and counseling centers are examples of systems that you might have on that outer layer as well.

Let me tell you a little bit about my story of becoming a psychologist. How I became a “system” of support for so many people.

So, truth be told, ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a doctor. A medical doctor. Not a “feelings doctor.” Ask anyone who grew up with me and knew my college aspirations. My undergraduate declared area of focus was pre-medicine.

I dove into academics as I do most things in life – with fervor. I took all of my pre-medicine classes and aced them, if I do say so myself. But I also had to declare a major. Most pre-med students go with biology or chemistry, or some other “hard science.” I chose psychology, thinking that, perhaps, understanding human behavior may be helpful as a physician. My first professor at Creighton, Dr. Lupo, exemplified an academic hippie in every way – Birkenstocks, barefooted and pony-tailed, he waltzed into class twice a week and talked about all-things psychology, testing, mental health and the human mind. I. WAS. HOOKED.

To me, psychology helped to understand others but also helped to understand myself. It was amazing and insightful – understanding the human mind and behavior was like unlocking the keys to the universe. By my junior year, I had a huge crisis as I fought against my new passion of psychology and my younger self-identity as an aspiring physician. But by the end of that spring, I said goodbye to medicine and embraced psychology. And I’ve never looked back.

Every day, I get to sit with incredible people and hold space for the most sacred stories and experiences. I train teachers and physicians about trauma and resilience. I facilitate groups for overwhelmed moms, hold the virtual hands of teens on the brink of crying, calm dynamics from misunderstood parents, sit with the anxiety of pre-tweens and help young people fumble through self-discovery and self-awareness.

There’s never been a greater gift to me than finding this field.

My second year in private practice, a young girl left me a voicemail – her sweet, 6-year old voice informed me that I should run for president – “because if you can help me stand up to my abuser, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!” No sweet girl, you can – and I was just here to help as a guide along the path you were already created for.

So, friends, listen to your heart. Change your plans. Follow your gut. Find a passion that inspires you every day. And thank you for choosing me to be part of your journey. For everything I give, I get back from all of you millions of times over. I choose you and I choose this field EVERY.DAMN.DAY.

Thanks for letting me be part of your circles.

With gratitude and humility,

Dr. Amy

Want to be the first to hear when Dr. Amy’s parenting course opens up again? It’s getting rave reviews! Join us here

Join our private Facebook group called Parenting with Intention here – see you soon!

Hey friends,
 
I hope this message finds you leaning into fall. If you’re like me, you resist all-things pumpkin spice until October 1, at which time you bring out pumpkin-everything, spiders, ghouls, peanut butter-filled chocolate candy and all-things-crunchy leaves and crock pot meals. Mmmmm.
 
Week four on building connections brings us to your secondary circle on The Circle of Support. If you missed last week’s newsletter on connection and building your primary circle, you can find it here. Next, I want you to think about your secondary supports. Think about these people as your back up people or people you go to if those that you’re closest to are not available. This circle comprises other supportive people in your life. Most people can identify 3-5 people on the secondary circle. These are people you would turn to if the core group is not available to meet your needs. Often these are people within a system that the you belong to such as work, school, neighborhoods, or other social groups. Write them down.

Ok, I know many of you were wondering what to do if your primary support circle is empty. This is where your secondary supports come in! Often, the people on your secondary circle don’t even know they are there. In fact, most people on other’s secondary circles would like to be closer, offer help & support; but they may not know you’re struggling or would like more closeness from them.
 
Think about this:

• What are the barriers to inviting more people in?

• What are your fears around casting a wider net of friends?

• Do you know how?

• Have you been given messages about your worthiness as a friend, mother, daughter or confidante?

I am asking you to risk vulnerability and invite more people into your primary circle? Wait, what? Why? I know you fear rejection. I know you don’t want to burden others. I understand you may not have developed the skills to be vulnerable. But I want to share a secret with you…

 In the twenty years that I’ve worked on the Circle of Support with people, from children to adults, I have YET to see someone who’s being asked to join an inner circle say “no.” 

You read that correctly. People want to help. They want to feel needed. We all want closeness and support and connection. And WE’RE ALL AFRAID TO ASK! 

So, your homework is to take a small step. Ask one other person from your secondary circle into your primary circle. Text a friend, send a note, email someone or extend a hand. You might be surprised by the overwhelming love and friendship that is extended back to you.
 
Tell me how it goes!
  
If you’re interested in breaking cycles of toxic parenting, I hope you join me and Hayley Runnels of The Undone Mama. It’s never too late to reset and heal.
 
Join our private Facebook group called Parenting with Intention here – see you soon!

Well, we’re into week three of discussing connections. Conveniently, a friend recently reminded me of something I told her that felt grounding to her, so I thought I would repeat it here:

 It just takes one stable, loving person in your life (or your child’s life) to feel whole and loved.

So, let’s focus on our people. What I mean by that are your one to one connections. I want you to think about who your “no matter what” people are in your life and write them down. We are going to start building your Circle of Support.

Inside the Primary Support Circle are your people – the people you can call, day or night, when you need support, love, guidance or reassurance. These are the people you can tell anything and share your deepest sadness, fears, regrets and worries. They’re also the people that make you feel seen, celebrated, valued and cherished. Perhaps it’s your partner or best friend; or maybe it’s your parent or another relative.

Last week, I shared my “why” with you. Definitely, my mom and my dad, Jack were my people growing up. But I also had a cherished Aunt and Uncle that were my primary supports as well.

My Uncle Terry and his wife, Cheryl, supported so many of my ventures in life. They showed up for sports, events, graduations, and funerals. Cheryl dreamed big dreams with me. As a first-generation college student, she encouraged me, asked questions, sent boxes of cookies to my dorm and celebrated my successes. She was genuinely thrilled for me when I got my bachelor’s degree, then my masters and doctorate. My Uncle Terry showed up for me when my biological father would not. He knew the effects of alcohol abuse and modeled what it was like to value me OVER an addiction. And when my biological dad died from alcohol abuse, this man showed up. My mom and dad, Jack, were living out of the state when my biological dad died and I remember feeling so alone at the funeral home. Then I turned around and there he was – I was no longer alone. One person who showed up for me – that was his only purpose in being there – for me to not feel alone. For me to feel seen in my grief.

Think about who those people are for you now. And who those people are for your children. Write them down. Think about what they bring to your life. And it’s ok if the number of people are small. Next week, we’ll focus on what to do if your primary circle is empty or if the people in the circle are not as healthy as you would like.

 In the meantime, please, know this:

If you are an adult, you can show up in a child’s life and make difference. Tell them you see them. Tell them they matter. Let them know what makes them feel lovable and worthy and worth showing up for….and then do it over and over and over, until they believe it.

I believed in me because other stable, safe, supportive adults believed in me. Be that person in someone’s life – be the adult you needed when you were not seen.

And tell me – who was your person? I’d love to hear more…..

xoxo, Dr. Amy

If you’re interested in breaking cycles of toxic parenting, I hope you join me and Hayley Runnels of The Undone Mama. It’s never too late to reset and heal.
 
Join our private Facebook group called Parenting with Intention here – see you soon!

As we dive into our series on connection, I thought I might share a recent post I made on social media. We have many more of you reading this newsletter, so it provides me with an opportunity to help you get to know me. As professionals, we strive to keep our personal and professional lives separate; but often it makes us feel inaccessible. People wonder how I could relate to what they’re going through. Or, people wonder why I LOVE working with children. We all carry stories. We all have experiences we’ve gone through that shape us as experts. As it relates to connection and its importance, especially one-to-one connection, here is my story.

My Why.

  I still remember my six-year-old self, staring out the window, holding my Holly Hobbie suitcase, waiting for my biological father to arrive. I was restless and wiggly and excited for him to pull into our driveway. My parents divorced when I was just 1 1/2 years old and I lived with my mom and step-dad, Jack. Friday nights was his night to pick me up every other week.

5pm became 6pm. Every car that whizzed by was a hope of his arrival. 6pm became 6:30 and soon my mom came up to me and whispered softly, “I don’t think he’s coming sweetie.”

Again, I thought. Disappointed again.

My mom said in a reassuring tone, “Don’t worry. We’re so lucky. Daddy Jack and I love having more time with you. Let’s have dinner and watch a movie and read books.” She made me feel like she was secretly hoping for extra time with me and reframed my disappointment and rejection into an opportunity for connection. 

The experience of rejection and missed opportunities with my father was not new and continued most of my childhood. Always, my mom and step-dad would scoop me up, pick up all of the sad, broken pieces and assemble me back together. Eventually, I would make the decision to cease visits with my father and Jack became my dad in every way.

The connection I had with my mom and dad, Jack, is immeasurable in terms of the resilience it created for me. To be wanted, truly wanted, as a child is the greatest gift of security.

When people ask me why I became a psychologist, my experiences growing up shaped who I am today. When I look at children, I truly “see” them – and I am committed to helping them feel known and loved and cared for. So, I work with parents and professionals to ensure that every adult knows how to build resilience in children through connection. And, so that every adult knows it’s not too late to repair themselves and heal if they did not grow up knowing this type of connection.

Some reflections for you:

•        With whom do you connect with meaningfully?

•       Who shaped how you connect with others?

•       Is there trauma you carry with you that prevents you from connecting?

•       Have you had to re-learn how to connect because of early childhood traumas?

•       Who is your role model for connection?

•        Are you learning how to connect with your child?

And importantly, did you know it’s never too late to learn how to connect? We can break cycles and create new, meaningful connections.

I’d love to hear from you. Your story of connection or your story of triumph to find connection after not receiving it as a child. I’d love to hear about barriers to connection too. This will guide our series on connection. Let’s dive in friends – bravely, together.

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

P.S. If you’re interested in breaking cycles of toxic parenting, I hope you join me and Hayley Runnels of The Undone Mama. It’s never too late to reset and heal.

I want to thank the hundreds of you who reached out to me last week as fires raged across Oregon and directly into our back yard. As I type this, our air quality index has improved and we are safely tucked back into our home. Others in Oregon have not been so lucky. I hope all of you find meaningful ways to reach out and offer support to those affected most by the fires. Perhaps a letter to thank first responders? Donations of food to a local pantry? Financial contributions to local charities? Whatever act you decide, know that it does not go unnoticed.

This week, as we continue to navigate distance learning and all-things pandemic, I’m beginning a series on connection. Of all resilience-building factors, connection represents the prime resilience-builder. Connection comes on many levels, so let’s begin there.

One-to-one. Having close connections with others is a primary need for all of us. We create connections throughout our lifetime. Babies are born to attach in order to thrive. Attachment between babies and parents creates a foundation for life-long health and relationships. Children look to parents, siblings, friends and other close adults. Teens seek out best friends and boyfriends and belonging. And, as we become adults, we search with our hearts to find partners and meaningful friendships. We are meant to connect on deep, meaningful levels. These one-to-one connections have been shown to predict the quality of life-long health and happiness.

Groups. After we have established meaningful, individual connections, we look to groups. The first group we belong to is our family, for better or worse. From our families, we move into other groups such as religious groups, classrooms, clubs and sports. Some groups are chosen for us and others we choose ourselves. Connection through groups allows us to begin to “find our people.” Groups mold who we are and how we see ourselves. Having affinity groups are an important part of development; and being part of a group provides a sense of belonging. To belong gives meaning and creates greater resilience.

Community. Communities help us thrive. They take us in and reflect our larger selves. Your community might be your neighborhood. It may be your school or your workplace. Community may be your cultural gathering space or a local watering hole. Communities reflect the people who welcome us, encourage us to grow and represent our value systems. Having a sense of community creates a buffer of resilience to support and protect us.

Systems. Systems are often represented by institutions or people that are paid to be in our lives. Think medical systems, school systems, or political systems, for example. These systems may be voluntary or involuntarily belonged to as a result of your needs, affiliation or background. Systems can be supportive or oppressive. Systems can be corrective or punitive. An important aspect to consider when thinking about systems is how they either support meaningful connection for you, or hinder it.

Other. Think creatively about other ways in which you’re connected. Perhaps to nature and the outdoors? Literature? A higher power? Physical endurance? Meditation? There are a lot of ways to create connection on meaningful levels that may or may not be about other people or groups, but a different type of embodied experience. These are healthy connections too!

You may have been reading this thinking, “But Dr. Amy, I don’t have strong connections. I’m not sure who my people are. I have a hard time making connections. My relationships don’t feel healthy. I don’t have groups to which I belong.” Hang in here with me – first, let us establish what is ideal and healthy. Next, we’ll tackle what to do in order to create more meaningful connections. One step at a time, one connection at a time.

My hope is that this initial part of our series creates a level-setting from which to move forward. Next, we’ll break them down and talk about strength-based ways to build each one through proven measures.

Questions? Ideas? I’d love to hear from you about how you connect in meaningful ways. Feel free to drop me a line and tell me how you connect and feel connected; or what your barriers and fears are related to connection.

With deep compassion,

Dr. Amy

P. S. Speaking of CONNECTION, I’d love it if you joined me and my friend, Hayley Runnels of The Undone Mama for an amazing evening event! Check out the details here.

Hi Friends,

I hope this message finds you well and safe.

Late Tuesday evening, our beautiful farm was placed on a Level 3 evacuation notice. We packed everything that was of value to us into four suitcases, two totes and a small safe. One suitcase for each person in our family – packed with personal essentials, favorite stuffed animals and old sweatshirts that conjured up college. Two boxes full of irreplaceable pictures of our babies growing up, cards with family members’ scripts that are no longer with us or in the handwriting of a 5 year old’s love, and keepsakes that contain heartfelt memories. An entire home pared down into 7 containers. The most valuable pieces were the four beings and 3 pets we tucked safely into two vehicles. It was sad and surreal.

What creates resilience in these devastating moments? Connection. As our farm moved from a level 2 to level 3, floods of people began to reach out.

              Are you ok?

              Are your animals ok?

              What can we do to help?

              We can get a trailer to your place in 15 minutes.

              What can we bring?

              We have a room.

              Come to our home.

              Let us help.

              I can research for you and make calls for you.

              We’ve got you….

              We love you.

              Please be safe.

Our people – our family and our friends (and friends of friends) reached out to us in such a way that it was hard to keep everyone updated. We were overwhelmed with love and support. And on Wednesday night, when we were fatigued from watching fires, monitoring winds and being on high alert, we agreed, as a family, to seek shelter in town for a night of respite. When we reached out to our close family friends and asked if we could come – all 7 of us – there was no hesitation from them. Come. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Beds were ready, towels laid out, and our kids snuggled into an evening with no worries and endless snacks.

 On the Friday afternoon that I write this, we have returned home and our home is at a Level 2 state of evacuation. Just yesterday, we found out that the Chehalem Fires that have surrounded our home are now 50% contained. Our family is grateful for the first responders that have tirelessly taken care of our property and those of our neighbors. Some of our friends in surrounding counties have not been so lucky.

This blog will be part of a mini-series called, Find Your Village. Connection is so important right now. In our upcoming blogs, we’re going to tackle how to find a village, barriers to doing so, and ways to invite people into your circle. We need connection now more than ever.

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

P.S. Join our FB group here – see you soon!