Friends,

A young nurse and I spoke recently about her experience of secondary trauma. She indicated how she’s worried about her small patients and the tiniest of errors she might make that could have life-altering results. She admitted to ruminating about drawing blood from PICC-lines, moisture in ventilators, and uninvolved parents in patient care. She reported worrying about COVID, TBI, and violence even when she’s not at the hospital. She exhibiting symptoms of early career compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma.

I sat. I listened. She was tearful and full of anxiety. We discussed the pressures of medical care and the drive for perfection. She also admitted that she was terrified to talk with colleagues about her worries, fear of mistakes or overwhelm because she was certain that they would see her as incompetent.

Any of this sound familiar?

We live in a performative society. Medical models perpetuate a complexity of perfection, hero complex and unreasonable expectations of human performance. And, by the way, all of that cloaked in messages of stoicism. Never let them see you sweat. Save others, deal with your needs later. Don’t talk about overwhelm or uncertainty for fear of looking incompetent. And self-care? It’s a great idea…for someone else.

I’m not going to scold you or shame you or even judge you for the space that’s been created – not by you, but through decades of creating a culture of perfection and performance. But what I am asking, in fact begging of you is this: Can you put down your capes? Not always, but sometimes? You are heroes but you need not be heroic all of the time. Medicine can be BOTH life-saving and life-draining. It can be fulfilling and exhausting. Recognize that the cape is heavy and after 18 months of healing during a pandemic, it’s a bit tattered.

I simply want to provide a space where you can be human, seen and accepted for being a WHOLE person. Healing begins with acknowledgement. Often from others first, then through grace and self-compassion, for ourselves.

You can pick the cape up later, I promise. Or change in a nearby phone booth – wink.

PS – if you’d like to take my newest creation for providers – Healthcare Provider Burnout Quiz, you can find it here and share with friends. Let’s continue to talk about all of the overwhelm!

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

We interrupt the Positive Discipline blog series to bring you these helpful tips and some scripts on how to talk to children during uncertain times. My goal, as an expert on trauma and childhood resilience, is to minimize stress for children wherever and whenever possible.
 

Here are some scripts you may find helpful.
 
For young children (2-5) 
 
“Sometimes the world gets a little crazy. Mommy & Daddy (any caregiver) always keep you safe. We’re just taking some extra steps to keep other people healthy too.” Give real life examples such as grandma who’s in a nursing home, a neighbor who needs groceries, or why mom is working from home now.

For middle age children (6-10) 
 
“Wow, you’ve probably heard some stuff on the news that seems scary. What questions do you have? I want to let you know, our family is trying to stay healthy, so we’re taking some extra steps like (washing our hands, taking breaks from the mall, not visiting grandpa) until everyone feels healthy again.” 
 
Regarding School – “It’s important that everyone is safe. School is a really safe place; and at the same time, we want teachers and kids to be healthy, so for now, we’re taking breaks from big groups because colds and viruses like big crowds with lots of people. But we can still do some learning at home – let’s get some books out or check out some fun websites to stay sharp!” 
 
“Of course, we can send a card or an email to your teacher to let him/her know we’re thinking of him/her.”
 
“School will be back in session as soon as the adults figure out a plan to keep everyone healthy. For now, let’s let that be an adult worry. You just need to stay healthy, play, read books every day and be sure to ask me questions if you feel worried.”

For older children (11-15)
 
“We know that the news, social media and TV in general has tons of information right now. Some of it is downright terrifying. What have you heard so far? What sources are you listening to? What are your friends saying? I want you to know you can come to me or (name another safe adult) at any time to ask questions or express your concerns. I’ll always give you factual information.” 
 
Regarding School – “Yes, school is cancelled for now. We don’t know when it will re-open for sure and we know there is a lot of speculation. I trust that your teachers are doing the best they can to work with your principal about homework, time away from students and how they can help you so you don’t get behind.” 
 
“Yes, we’ll check online when we can. School is important to you and to me. In the meantime, we can always find a project to do, read a book, or try a new hobby.”

For all
 
Overall, kids need safety and reassurance.

They will model their behavior and match their stress level based on you and how you respond. One thing you can do to encourage safety and build resilience is to make kids part of a plan of what they CAN do:

• Send cards to people they love

• Try a new hobby

• Facetime loved ones

• Deliver essential items to neighbors

• Play

• Replace media exposure with games, hobbies and walks outside

• Ask your child – they have great ideas!!

I remind parents and children of my golden rule often:

Adults are responsible for adult worries. Adults are responsible for kids’ worries. Kids are NEVER responsible for adult worries.

Hug them, reassure them, take care of you….
 
Be well,
Dr. Amy