There’s been a lot of back and forth on social media lately about gentle parenting. Gentle Parenting isn’t getting canceled. It’s just reframed. Often, what happens is that we re-name or reframe paradigms into new packages. Historically, we’ve referred to parenting styles or discipline styles as authoritarian, authoritative, permissive or neglectful. For the record, I don’t love those terms and, in my course, Cards for Connection, we use less shame-based titles and embrace an entire continuum of discipline styles. For the sake of this discussion, gentle parenting would fall somewhere between permissive and authoritative – lots of discussion, democracy, kind, loving responses.

The problem with that type of approach is that it lacks certainty – for both the parent and the child. Children thrive with predictability, expectations, and structure. They also need guidance as their brain grows and develops. If you give too many choices or you seem uncertain or laissez-faire, children can feel pretty confused. So, we try to balance gentleness with firmness. Kindness with clarity. That’s an authoritative approach. 

I’ll give you an example of both approaches: It’s time to go outside to soak up the last days of sunshine. Your 4-year old, Joey, is ready to dive into the pool. 

Gentle parenting – 

Mom: Joey, it’s sunny out, we need to put on sunscreen.

Joey: I don’t like sunscreen, it gets in my eyes. 

Mom: I know that it burns. Let me know when you’re ready. 

Joey: Begins to move toward the pool.

Mom: Joey, can we put on the sunscreen now? How do you feel about that?

Joey: No. 

Mom: Would you like to put it on yourself? Maybe that would feel better.

Joey: No. 

Mom: You really need sunscreen. If you don’t wear sunscreen, you can get burned and that’s painful. I’ll try to keep it out of your eyes, ok? It’s really important.

Joey: No.

And on and on…

Authoritative (Warm AND Firm; Kind AND Clear): Want to know what Dr. Amy calls this approach? You’ll have to take the certification course! Join us in November!

Mom: Joey, I’m going to put sunscreen on you before you get in the pool.

Joey: I don’t like sunscreen, it gets in my eyes.

Mom: That stinks, but you have to wear it. Do you want to put it on, or should I?

Joey: Neither.

Mom: OK, you can just sit here by me in the shade then. No sunscreen means no pool. 

Joey: But I want to swim!

Mom: Then you wear sunscreen. I’ll put it on now.

Do you see the difference in the two approaches? 

Tell me your observations! Let’s chat! What feels hard or uncomfortable?

Hang in there, you’ve got this!

Soak up those last rays – sunscreen NOT optional!