What is unconditional love? It’s the idea that the relationship between the child and the primary attachment figure (be that mom, dad, or another caregiver) is always available. Love is present, no matter what – the relationship will not be removed or threatened at any time. A few key points that I lay out to parents:

• Separate your love and relationship from your child’s behavior

• Acknowledge that it’s developmentally appropriate to act-out at times

• Know that behavior of a child is unpredictable and frustrating at times

• Respond to the behavior and provide natural consequences versus removing the relationship

The overarching message is this: “I love you and I’m confused why you would act that way. There’s a consequence for your behavior, but I’m never going anywhere.” You can still have consequences and expectations for your child without creating a love withdrawal.
 
Try This: Talk with your child about unconditional love – ask him/her if they think there’s anything they can do that you would stop loving them. Kids are great at this activity and will really try to push buttons! Your job – remain consistent and remind them, “No matter what you do, I will love you!”
 

Let’s talk about “enoughness” as it applies to parenting and how we feel about ourselves as parents.
 
We receive SO many messages about the right way to parent our children. But what if I told you, you’re already enough? The bulk of parenting is simply about showing up. And I truly mean that!
 
You are enough for your child. When you show up at their games or activities, running late and distracted. Look at how your child lights up when he/she sees your face in the crowd. Not your perfect face with perfect hair and matching everything. Just you.
 
You are enough for your child. When dinner is take-out, but you eat together. When bedtime turns into tantrums and you want to pull out your hair. When you get store-bought cupcakes and don’t stitch together Halloween costumes. Enough doesn’t mean perfect.
 
You are enough for your child. When you drop them off at school with two other screaming children in the back of the car. You took the time out of your day and wanted to be a reassuring hug or last word before they enter into the world of school.
 
You are enough for your child. When you sit as they cry over school or relationships or not fitting in. Even when you don’t have answers. Even when your answers don’t seem sufficient to heal the pain. You were there and you listened.
 
You are enough for your child. When they scream angry words at you and you question your value as a parent. Remember, you’re the only safe person at times for your child to be angry with and providing that space is sacred and vulnerable. You are a sounding board and a safe place.
 
You are enough for your child every day. You have every ingredient that he/she needs to be comforted, secure and receive your unconditional love. Showing up matters – sweaty, food-in-your teeth, messy hair, rushed, overworked – no matter how you show up remember this: You’re the most important person in your child’s life.
 
You are enough.

Some parents worry that if they love their child unconditionally, it means that the child can “get away with anything.” Not true! You can still have expectations for your child AND love him/her unconditionally. Unconditional love means – “I will love you no matter what you do or how you behave. I will never remove my love or relationship from you.” There are no “love withdrawals or relationship withdrawals” that take place with unconditional love. Yet, you can still have expectations for behavior and consider natural consequences for inappropriate or unhealthy choices. Let me give you a few examples…

Your 2 year old spreads toys all over the living room.
Natural consequence: “It looks like we need to clean up the living room before we can _____ (watch your show, play outside, read books, etc.) Versus – “You have toys everywhere, we’re not going to the park together.”
 
Your 10 year old refuses to complete homework.
Natural consequence: “Homework is a priority in our family. We have to make time for it. So, it’s my job to remove any other obstacle, including your ______ (video games, time with friends, basketball practice). Until homework is done, you can’t do those other things.” Versus – “What’s the matter with you? You can stay in your room away from us and go without dinner until your homework is done.”
 
Do you see how one approach portrays a conditional, removable, relationship and love while the other is more objective?

Last example: Your teen gets caught cheating on a test.
Natural consequence – “It looks like you need to go in and talk to your teacher. You can offer to take another test, write a letter of apology, or take a failing grade on that exam. But, you must have accountability.” Versus – “No child of mine would ever do such a thing,” followed by stonewalling or giving your child a cold shoulder to prove how disappointed you are with him/her.
 
I see it time and time again with children – if you have natural consequences for your child, you can still have high expectations, yet not remove your love or relationship from him/her. In fact, children will RISE UP to our expectations when they feel safe in relationship with us!

Over 1,000 engagements on social media….and several “shares.” This tells me people are hungry to be reminded of this message from Wes Angelozzi:

It’s one of the core assumptions I teach to parents, providers & teachers – unconditional love. We all get stuck here, especially those who’ve not received it in their childhood. But it can transform relationships and earn secure attachments.
 
I encourage you to try it on… or suggest that someone else do so. Unconditional love is what we all crave and what children require for healthy attachments.