We interrupt the Positive Discipline blog series to bring you these helpful tips and some scripts on how to talk to children during uncertain times. My goal, as an expert on trauma and childhood resilience, is to minimize stress for children wherever and whenever possible.
 

Here are some scripts you may find helpful.
 
For young children (2-5) 
 
“Sometimes the world gets a little crazy. Mommy & Daddy (any caregiver) always keep you safe. We’re just taking some extra steps to keep other people healthy too.” Give real life examples such as grandma who’s in a nursing home, a neighbor who needs groceries, or why mom is working from home now.

For middle age children (6-10) 
 
“Wow, you’ve probably heard some stuff on the news that seems scary. What questions do you have? I want to let you know, our family is trying to stay healthy, so we’re taking some extra steps like (washing our hands, taking breaks from the mall, not visiting grandpa) until everyone feels healthy again.” 
 
Regarding School – “It’s important that everyone is safe. School is a really safe place; and at the same time, we want teachers and kids to be healthy, so for now, we’re taking breaks from big groups because colds and viruses like big crowds with lots of people. But we can still do some learning at home – let’s get some books out or check out some fun websites to stay sharp!” 
 
“Of course, we can send a card or an email to your teacher to let him/her know we’re thinking of him/her.”
 
“School will be back in session as soon as the adults figure out a plan to keep everyone healthy. For now, let’s let that be an adult worry. You just need to stay healthy, play, read books every day and be sure to ask me questions if you feel worried.”

For older children (11-15)
 
“We know that the news, social media and TV in general has tons of information right now. Some of it is downright terrifying. What have you heard so far? What sources are you listening to? What are your friends saying? I want you to know you can come to me or (name another safe adult) at any time to ask questions or express your concerns. I’ll always give you factual information.” 
 
Regarding School – “Yes, school is cancelled for now. We don’t know when it will re-open for sure and we know there is a lot of speculation. I trust that your teachers are doing the best they can to work with your principal about homework, time away from students and how they can help you so you don’t get behind.” 
 
“Yes, we’ll check online when we can. School is important to you and to me. In the meantime, we can always find a project to do, read a book, or try a new hobby.”

For all
 
Overall, kids need safety and reassurance.

They will model their behavior and match their stress level based on you and how you respond. One thing you can do to encourage safety and build resilience is to make kids part of a plan of what they CAN do:

• Send cards to people they love

• Try a new hobby

• Facetime loved ones

• Deliver essential items to neighbors

• Play

• Replace media exposure with games, hobbies and walks outside

• Ask your child – they have great ideas!!

I remind parents and children of my golden rule often:

Adults are responsible for adult worries. Adults are responsible for kids’ worries. Kids are NEVER responsible for adult worries.

Hug them, reassure them, take care of you….
 
Be well,
Dr. Amy

First of all, if you’re NEW to my blog, welcome! I’m glad you’re here!
 
Second, if you haven’t had a chance to watch last week’s Facebook live about how to identify your parenting style, check it out here – it was a huge hit! This week, I’ll be breaking it down more on Facebook, so stay tuned.
 
Next, keep the comments and emails coming – I truly love hearing from each of you! I’m going to incorporate all of your questions throughout this series but especially during Week Five – Reader Spotlights and Questions. That’s our next blog post, so keep them coming!!
 
OK, have you been doing your homework? I encourage you to review Week One and Week Two and begin thinking about discipline with our new reframing tool as well as the 5 goals to keep in mind around discipline. Next, read Week Three about how to identify parenting styles – I’m pretty clear about where I’d like you to land.
 
Before we move on to Reader Spotlights in our next blog of our series about positive discipline, I want to review a critical factor to all relationships: Ruptures and Repairs.
 
Ruptures
A relationship rupture occurs when one or both people in a relationship hurt, intentionally or not, the other person. It can be verbal or non-verbal. Relationship ruptures are normal. In fact, most psychologists believe that minor ruptures are a predictable part any relationship. Children, most often, experience ruptures from their primary caregivers. Children who experience minor ruptures with repairs go on to learn how to problem solve, learn from mistakes, and take accountability for their actions. Need more on this? Here’s a great article: https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother
 
Here are some examples:

• Not responding to them right away when they call out for us.

• Raising our voice when we lose our temper.

• Being exasperated at your child’s request and making it known.

• Losing your patience with your child.

• Refusing to play when your child would like to play with you.

• Not responding to a request right away.

• Refusing to accommodate them.

• We roll our eyes, throw up our hands or walk away from our child.

When we “let our children down” in predictable ways and later repair, it actually builds resilience. Children learn to tolerate negative experiences and build positive relationships. Again, minor ruptures are a normal part of relationships.
 
Ruptures: What They Shouldn’t Be
While minor ruptures are normal, I want to be clear about what ruptures should not entail. Ruptures should NOT cause undue distress for our children nor threaten their safety. Ruptures should not include name calling, cursing, verbal or physical abuse. While it’s normal for all of us to yell or lose our patience, calling names or threatening is abusive.
 
Let me give you some examples:

Repairs
Repairs restore safety and trust between people. Repairs should be made as quickly as possible to restore trust between you and your child. The sooner a repair is made, the sooner your child can regulate, or regain calmness again. Your child needs to learn to trust that, even though we’re not perfect parents, we won’t harm them emotionally or physically. Children’s attachment becomes stronger to us when they know that trust and safety are present.
 
Here’s are some examples of repairs after a rupture:

Above, I’ve outlined some ways to create repairs. It’s important that children hear us say, “I’m sorry, I’ll try again.” That’s truly what we want them to do too, isn’t it?  Some children (and some of us as adults) grow up without either never seeing conflict or never seeing how to repair conflict/ruptures. We must model this as part of a healthy relationship. Asking for hugs, re-do’s, validating feelings and talking about feelings allows our children to feel heard and feel close to us.

Repairs: What It Shouldn’t Be
 
Repairs teach forgiveness and self-regulation. Repairs should be genuine and should occur once we, as adults, are calm again. If you’re overwhelmed, still angry, or otherwise not in a space to model a healthy repair, it’s ok to take a break for yourself until you’re ready. Repairs should not feel manipulative or coerced. Repairs should not feel disingenuous. Repairs should being to heal.
 
Let’s Review
When we “let our children down” in predictable ways and later repair, it actually builds resilience. Children learn to tolerate negative experiences and build positive relationships. Minor ruptures in relationships are normal; but ruptures should never include abusive words or actions, nor threaten our relationship with our children.
 
I know, many of you are reading this thinking, “great, I’ve totally screwed up my kids – I do this stuff all of the time.” That’s not true. We can always learn and always begin to make healthy repairs with our children. So, forgive yourself and move forward – that’s what we need and it’s what I want you to model for your children!
 
Mistakes, ruptures, repairs, forgiveness and moving on! Repeat over and over and over….
 
Whew! Lots of information to process. Again, we’re rethinking behavior and discipline. And our goal is to be more intentional in our parenting – sometimes that means taking a deep dive into tough parts of parenting. Even if it’s painful. The most important factor that I want you to know is that kids that are connected to their parents feel more secure. And, when we’re more purposeful about our approach to children’s behavior, we gain more meaningful connection.
 
That’s a wrap folks! Thanks for learning together.
 
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First of all, if you’re NEW to my blog, welcome! I’m glad you’re here – we recently had a surge of new, amazing people join my readership because of some trainings I’ve been doing around trauma and resilience. Which leads me to my next point – expression of gratitude.
 
Huge shout out to the folks at George Fox University in Newberg, Oregon. I trained almost 150 graduate students in Graduate School of Clinical Psychology. Another shout out to the amazing educators and administrators at Tigard Tualatin Schools, where I trained almost 500 educators from 8 different schools on compassionate classrooms and resilient children. What an amazing group of people who are educating our precious children every day. Here’s a fun picture from my training at Tualatin High School.

Next, keep the comments and emails coming – I truly love hearing from each of you! I’m going to incorporate all of your questions throughout this series but especially during Week Five – Reader Spotlights and Questions. So keep them coming!!
 
OK, have you been doing your homework? I encourage you to review Week One and Week Two and begin thinking about discipline with our new reframing tool as well as the 5 goals to keep in mind around discipline.
 
Finally, I promised you some more great content; and today we’re covering Parenting Styles. Strap on your seat belts folks, because I’m going to be frank!
 
Types of Parenting Styles
 
Usually, when psychologists and educators refer to parenting styles, we’re referring to four different approaches on how we behave, discipline and communicate with our children. Typically, these parenting styles are referred to as Authoritative, Authoritarian, Neglectful and Permissive. Let’s break them down and then, let’s be honest, I’m going to tell you where you should try to land!
 
A Bit of Context
Each parenting style falls on a continuum of two dimensions: Support & Control. On the Control Dimension, this means that some parents are very controlling and have high demands, expectations and limitations for their children. Others are quite lax and do not place demands on their children; and the boundaries they set can be quite vague or inconsistent. On the Support Dimension, some parents are very warm, empathic and unconditional with their love; while on the other extreme, parents can feel cold, uninvolved and not emotionally available. Now let’s lay those two dimensions atop parenting behavior and discipline.
 
Militant Parent (aka Authoritarian) I’m going to call this militant in terms of parenting styles. This type of parent rules by iron fist – and does not like to be questioned. On the two dimensions, a militant parent is very high on the control dimension, but low on warmth and empathy. Therefore, parents who are militant appear to be rigid, controlling and can feel scary to children.
 
Bad News If you’re a militant parent, the research is clear. Children who are parented by militant parents tend to have lower self-esteem and poor social skills. These kids also have higher associations with mental illness and later addiction.
 
The Door Mat (aka Permissive Parenting) – I’m calling this kind of parent the kind doormat because these parents are often sweet and overly kind. After all, on the support scale, they’re quite warm and responsive. They are kind, empathic and loving. However, on the control dimension, they’re low. This means, they have very loose boundaries, can be talked out of a lot and often get taken advantage of by their kids.
 
Bad News If you’re a doormat parent, the research is clear. Children who are parented this way tend to be impulsive, egocentric, have poor social skills and problematic relationships. This is likely because they’re used to getting their way and melt down when that does not occur.
 
Can We Just Not? (aka Neglectful Parent) Likely, if you’re reading this blog, you’re not a neglectful parent. Neglectful parents are low on both control and support dimensions – this makes them uninvolved, indifferent about their children and unresponsive to their needs.
 
Bad News Of all parenting styles, you don’t want to land here. Children who have neglectful parents are at high risk of suicide, drug use and delinquency.
 
Before we move on to what I think is best practice, let me be clear. If you’re a militant parent or a permissive parent, you’re not a horrible parent. I just want you to begin to lean towards the dimension you’re lacking and learn new tools to become better balanced. If you’re a militant parent, I want you to explore ways to show empathy and kindness. And if you’re a permissive parent, I want you to become more clear with rules and expectations.
 
Children require BOTH unconditional love AND clear rules to feel safe.
 
I know, you’ve been waiting for this! I’ve teased about this in previous blogs and teach about this parenting style in ALL of my workshops on resilience and children.
 
What is a LOVING HARD ASS??
 
Loving Hard Ass (aka Authoritative) I call this type of parent a Loving Hard Ass because these parents are high on empathy and support but also high on control, meaning it’s very clear what their expectations, limits and boundaries are with their children. But rather than be militant (yelling, threatening, demanding, and, at times, abusive); or permissive (loving, but way to lenient), these parents find a balance between being warm, responsive and utilizing positive discipline skills while still being firm, clear and having high expectations for their child’s behavior.

THIS IS WHERE I WANT YOU TO BE!!
 
Good News Parents who find this delicate balance between being supportive but also clear with expectations have children who fair the best. These kids tend to have high self-esteem and academic performance and positive social skills while having lower rates of mental illness and delinquency. AKA, these kids are more resilient because their parents blend warmth with demands. The blend love with clear expectations. They are both unconditional with love but also clear with limitations.
 
Remember our previous blogs on unconditional love? Remember how important I said unconditional love is for children? Here’s a link if you didn’t read them…
 
Let’s Review
 
OK, so if you’re not clear yet, I want all parents to become Loving Hard Asses! Too frank? Others call it “warm demanders” if my language is too much for you. But I don’t care what you call it, as long as you do it!
 
Whew! Lots of information to process. Again, we’re rethinking behavior and discipline. And our goal is to be more intentional in our parenting – sometimes that means taking a deep dive to investigate our parenting styles. Even if it’s painful. Even if you disagree with me. Because, when we’re more purposeful about our approach to children’s behavior, we gain more meaningful connection.
 
That’s a wrap folks! Thanks for learning together.

First of all, thank you so much to ALL OF YOU who are responding to the blog posts and newsletters – I truly love hearing from each of you! I’m going to incorporate all of your questions throughout this series but especially during Week Five – Reader Spotlights and Questions. So keep them coming!!
 
Special Note: Watch out below for special shout-outs to some of you who’ve already submitted questions! Woot! Woot!
 
Second, did you do your homework? If you’re like me, then you probably put it off a bit. I encourage you to review Week One and begin thinking about discipline with our new reframing tool.
 
Finally, I promised you some more great content; and today we’re covering Neurobiology and Discipline. I know, sounds heavy and maybe… boring? But hang in here with me.
 
When we think about discipline, there are a few goals that I want you to keep in mind. From their book, No Drama Discipline, Bryson and Siegel point out 5 goals to keep in mind when thinking about discipline – here they are with Dr. Amy insights and examples.
 
Five Goals of Discipline  

1. Discipline should be intentional. What this means, is that we need to have a goal or outcome in mind. I find, the most helpful way to be intentional about discipline is to ask myself, “What do I want my child to learn from this encounter?” So, for instance, Mary U (one of my blog-lovers) asked about ways to talk to kids & parents about screens and setting boundaries – great question Mary! If I’m intentional about this, I’m going to ask myself, “What do I want my kids to learn about screens? If I remove screens, how will this affect them?” If you’re like me, you want your kids to learn how to set their own boundaries, take breaks, and not consume too much; but rather balance their screen time with books, being outdoors, and hanging out with friends. Right?

1. Discipline should look beyond behavior. We often get stuck and focus on our children’s behavior (I know! They’re annoying and not likeable all the time, that’s ok to admit!) But usually, there’s something that’s triggering or guiding or some context that will explain the behavior. Again, I want to ask myself, “What else is going on here with my child’s behavior? Why are they engaging this behavior? What are they trying to communicate?” Let’s go back to Mary’s concern over screens. My best guess is that most children and teenagers use screens as a way to pass time, social networking, because it’s fun, and because it’s like crack for their brains!! Also, many kids and teens use screens, especially social media, because it’s a critical way they connect with friends in a fast-paced world. So, it’s important to ask ourselves, what else is going on with a given behavior – look beyond the behavior for answers.

2. Discipline should teach skills. Check. Done. We just reviewed that last week, aren’t we amazing??? Here it is, if you missed it.

3. Discipline should be relationship-driven. What does this mean? Well, it doesn’t mean threatening your relationship with your child when they misbehave. What it does mean is that talking with your child about behavior can be seen as a way to connect and re-direct them towards better choices. Let’s use an example from Lauren S (another blog-lover!). Lauren said that it’s hard to get her child to engage in independent skills such as getting dressed or brushing her teeth – even though she knows she can do these things on her own. We feel you Lauren! Lauren – there are A LOT of things I can do on my own, but I’d rather do those tasks with other people. In other words, I wonder if your daughter simply wants your company? Maybe your family has been rushed lately; or perhaps your daughter is keeping up with an older brother who outpaces her? Here’s what I might try that uses that tactic of “connect and re-direct” by Dan Siegel. Try saying, “Sweetie, if you get dressed, that gives us more time to snuggle before school.” Or, “I bet if you set that timer and brush your teeth, we’ll have time for 3 books tonight instead of 2!” Or you can also try, “I’d love to help you do that, but I need to get some other tasks done. Maybe when we’re both dressed, we can have breakfast together?” In other words, focus on connection but still lay out the expectation that you want her to try a task.

4. Discipline should focus on regulation over compliance. Here’s where we get to be a little nerdy with neurobiology! First, what the heck is regulation? Regulation, simply put, is how we manage our arousal and impulses and how that, in turn, effects our behavior and expression of emotion. For instance, when someone says something hurtful to me, of course my first impulse is to hurt him/her back and I definitely feel upset and angry (aroused). But because I’m “regulated,” I take a step back and decide how I want to respond to that person. Easier said than done, right?

 
Regulation – Let’s Dig IN!
 
This is my point friends, regulation or being self-regulated is NOT easy; and it’s a learned behavior that takes time and practice. But, before our children become self-regulators, we must first… co-regulate. Guess who we co-regulate with? Yep, our kids.
 
What is Co-regulation?
Co-regulation is regulating (or responding to our arousals and impulses) with another person, usually our children. It’s co-occurring. Often, co-regulation is non-verbal and done through “how” we talk, what our eyes say, what our bodies say, our tone, our presence, and how we emphasize things we are saying. It communicates safety and security or fear and shutting down. Here are some examples of non-verbal ways we co-regulate: singing, humming, rocking, holding, bathing, and playing. Our children learn from us from the time they are born, how to regulate behaviors and emotions. We show them every day how to handle stress, emotional upset, frustration and disappointment. They regulate based on how well we regulate. And when they cannot do it on their own, it’s our job to help.
 
Why does this matter?
When our kids are misbehaving, they simply are not regulating their behavior. If they were regulated, they often would not engage in behavior that we dislike or seems out of control. So, our job, when our kids misbehave, is to help them regulate versus comply.
 
Also, when our kids are being punished, or forced to comply, they will often enter a state of fear or shutting down (called freezing) and their brains simply cannot learn in this state. They won’t learn what we want them to about their behavior.
 
Let’s Review
 
Let’s think about Mary again. Mary wants parents that she works with to know that setting limits on screens is important. First, in order to do that, parents have to know what their goal is for screen use in their home. Second, they have to look at what else is happening that is driving screen use. Boredom? Socialization? Stimulation? Lack of limits? Parental modeling? Next, we need to teach our children the skill of setting boundaries around screens, modeling times we have screen-free zones, and asking them how to shut off notifications and join family time. Also, we must focus on “why” – and that’s about relationships – we want our kids to have healthy screen limits because it helps them be social with people around them and create meaningful connections. And finally, we must model all of this ourselves (co-occurring or co-regulating) with our children.
 
Whew! This was a doozy!! Lots of information to process. And it’s not easy. It’s a new way of thinking about behavior and discipline. But we can all get better with greater intention. And when we’re more purposeful about our approach to children’s behavior, we gain more meaningful connection.
 
That’s a wrap folks! Thanks for learning together.

What is unconditional love? It’s the idea that the relationship between the child and the primary attachment figure (be that mom, dad, or another caregiver) is always available. Love is present, no matter what – the relationship will not be removed or threatened at any time. A few key points that I lay out to parents:

• Separate your love and relationship from your child’s behavior

• Acknowledge that it’s developmentally appropriate to act-out at times

• Know that behavior of a child is unpredictable and frustrating at times

• Respond to the behavior and provide natural consequences versus removing the relationship

The overarching message is this: “I love you and I’m confused why you would act that way. There’s a consequence for your behavior, but I’m never going anywhere.” You can still have consequences and expectations for your child without creating a love withdrawal.
 
Try This: Talk with your child about unconditional love – ask him/her if they think there’s anything they can do that you would stop loving them. Kids are great at this activity and will really try to push buttons! Your job – remain consistent and remind them, “No matter what you do, I will love you!”
 

Let’s talk about “enoughness” as it applies to parenting and how we feel about ourselves as parents.
 
We receive SO many messages about the right way to parent our children. But what if I told you, you’re already enough? The bulk of parenting is simply about showing up. And I truly mean that!
 
You are enough for your child. When you show up at their games or activities, running late and distracted. Look at how your child lights up when he/she sees your face in the crowd. Not your perfect face with perfect hair and matching everything. Just you.
 
You are enough for your child. When dinner is take-out, but you eat together. When bedtime turns into tantrums and you want to pull out your hair. When you get store-bought cupcakes and don’t stitch together Halloween costumes. Enough doesn’t mean perfect.
 
You are enough for your child. When you drop them off at school with two other screaming children in the back of the car. You took the time out of your day and wanted to be a reassuring hug or last word before they enter into the world of school.
 
You are enough for your child. When you sit as they cry over school or relationships or not fitting in. Even when you don’t have answers. Even when your answers don’t seem sufficient to heal the pain. You were there and you listened.
 
You are enough for your child. When they scream angry words at you and you question your value as a parent. Remember, you’re the only safe person at times for your child to be angry with and providing that space is sacred and vulnerable. You are a sounding board and a safe place.
 
You are enough for your child every day. You have every ingredient that he/she needs to be comforted, secure and receive your unconditional love. Showing up matters – sweaty, food-in-your teeth, messy hair, rushed, overworked – no matter how you show up remember this: You’re the most important person in your child’s life.
 
You are enough.

Some parents worry that if they love their child unconditionally, it means that the child can “get away with anything.” Not true! You can still have expectations for your child AND love him/her unconditionally. Unconditional love means – “I will love you no matter what you do or how you behave. I will never remove my love or relationship from you.” There are no “love withdrawals or relationship withdrawals” that take place with unconditional love. Yet, you can still have expectations for behavior and consider natural consequences for inappropriate or unhealthy choices. Let me give you a few examples…

Your 2 year old spreads toys all over the living room.
Natural consequence: “It looks like we need to clean up the living room before we can _____ (watch your show, play outside, read books, etc.) Versus – “You have toys everywhere, we’re not going to the park together.”
 
Your 10 year old refuses to complete homework.
Natural consequence: “Homework is a priority in our family. We have to make time for it. So, it’s my job to remove any other obstacle, including your ______ (video games, time with friends, basketball practice). Until homework is done, you can’t do those other things.” Versus – “What’s the matter with you? You can stay in your room away from us and go without dinner until your homework is done.”
 
Do you see how one approach portrays a conditional, removable, relationship and love while the other is more objective?

Last example: Your teen gets caught cheating on a test.
Natural consequence – “It looks like you need to go in and talk to your teacher. You can offer to take another test, write a letter of apology, or take a failing grade on that exam. But, you must have accountability.” Versus – “No child of mine would ever do such a thing,” followed by stonewalling or giving your child a cold shoulder to prove how disappointed you are with him/her.
 
I see it time and time again with children – if you have natural consequences for your child, you can still have high expectations, yet not remove your love or relationship from him/her. In fact, children will RISE UP to our expectations when they feel safe in relationship with us!

Over 1,000 engagements on social media….and several “shares.” This tells me people are hungry to be reminded of this message from Wes Angelozzi:

It’s one of the core assumptions I teach to parents, providers & teachers – unconditional love. We all get stuck here, especially those who’ve not received it in their childhood. But it can transform relationships and earn secure attachments.
 
I encourage you to try it on… or suggest that someone else do so. Unconditional love is what we all crave and what children require for healthy attachments.

First of all, thank you so much to ALL OF YOU who responded to the last blog post– I felt the love! I’m going to incorporate all of your questions throughout this series but especially during Week Five – Reader Spotlights and Questions. So keep your comments and emails coming!!
 
Second, I promised you some great content; and today we’re covering How to Reframe Discipline.
 
Define It.
When we think of the word “discipline,” what’s the first word or thought that comes to mind? If you’re like most people, we think of the word “punishment.” We ask ourselves questions like, “How do I make this punishment SO BAD that my child will never engage in this behavior again?” Or, we think “How do I bribe, create incentive, or manage changes in this behavior so that it stops happening?”

Discipline, by definition, means: To train or develop in instruction and exercise, especially in self-control.”

 
WAIT, WHAT??? Yes, discipline is actually a practice of instruction and exercise. This means, you’re the teacher of behavior! If I tell you, I’m disciplined in the area of psychology – you would know I’ve been a student of psychology and I’ve been trained in that area. If I tell you, I’m a disciple of X – you know I’m a student or follower of something.
 
So, that means that when it comes to defining discipline, I’m referring to HOW you train and develop self-control and HOW you train and teach your child (the student) about self-control and behavior.
 
Wow…..now we’re talking about something entirely different.
 
Name It.
Now, I want you to take a moment and write down the TOP THREE behaviors you most often feel frustrated or overwhelmed by. What are three behaviors that, if your child or student stopped engaging in, your life would get easier. Write them down. Better yet, leave them in the comments below so we can showcase in week five – we’ll problem-solve together!
1.
2.
3.
 
Reframe It.
Great, now I want you to think about the behavior in an entirely different way. Suppose you said, “hitting” or “yelling” as the most concerning behavior you see in your child. And if you’re on the same page as me regarding our new, shared definition of discipline, then you know, that instead of STOPPING, BRIBING, CORRECTING OR SCARING YOUR CHILD OUT OF THIS BEHAVIOR, you must, instead, focus on a different way of training or exercising self-control.
 
So, ask yourself this… If my child is engaging in X behavior (hitting or yelling), what SKILL does it show that he/she has not yet learned? What behavior must still be learned so that my child will stop doing X behavior. For instance, if I don’t want my child to hit, yell or engage in aggressive behavior, what skill must they learn? Or what have they NOT learned yet that they need to acquire?
 
Revisit It.
Here are some possible answers. If my child is hitting, hurting or yelling at others, the SKILL they’ve not yet developed is…..

• Self-control

• Problem solving

• Non-violent ways to express anger

• Verbal ways of identifying feelings

• Non-verbal ways of expressing frustration that are safe

• Who to find when I’m upset

• Models of positive behavior

 
Revisit your top three concerning behaviors and write down the skill your child must still learn.
 
Now that you see this behavior as a “skill set yet to be learned” aka, a “new discipline to follow,” you can revisit the behavior.
 
Find ways to teach the new skills such as problem solving by using words, walking away to avoid hurt feelings or finding an adult who can help him/her. Play games, take turns, model problem solving during play – all of these activities teach the new behavior or discipline. Then, reinforce that behavior with words of praise and encouragement.
 
To close, this isn’t easy. It’s a new way of thinking about behavior and discipline. But we can all get better with greater intention. And when we’re more purposeful about our approach to children’s behavior, we gain more meaningful connection.
 
That’s a wrap folks! Thanks for learning together.

Happy 2020!!
 
I reviewed your requests for content that you submitted last year and I’m beginning to create a calendar for a NEW blog series. Thanks to so many of you who submitted ideas, I truly want this series to be meaningful for all of you!
 
So, we’re going to kick off the year with our first series: Positive Discipline, but with a Dr. Amy twist, of course! Many of you are familiar with the concept of positive discipline, but perhaps not from this frame of reference, so stay tuned. I want us to begin thinking of discipline from a compassionate lens and from a lens rooted in best practices that support meaningful connection and secure attachments for children. Here’s what our series will look like:
 
Week One: Reframing Discipline. What does this REALLY mean?
 
Week Two: Let’s be NERDY with discipline: Discipline from a Neurobiological Perspective
 
Week Three: Your Parenting Style? Hint: I’m going to transform you into an LHA (You’ll find out what this is soon!)
 
Week Four:  When We Lose our S*&%! Ruptures and Repairs – How to Truly Repair
 
Week Five: Reader Spotlights and Questions
 
So, here’s what I need from YOU in the comments:
 
If you’re a parent – what are the toughest behavioral challenges you face? Age. Behavior. Frustration.
 
If you’re a medical provider or behavioral health provider – What’s the trickiest behavior you’re most often questioned about or asked to solve?
 
If you’re a teacher – oh my gosh, shout out to teachers who are taking our kids back from sleep-deprived, sugar filled, schedules-be-damned houses – What behaviors are most challenging for you?
 
Got it? I want to hear from you!