A lot of you have mentioned to me that you feel either “blah” or a bit underwhelmed right now. Many of you are leaning towards this blah feeling – a bit morose, a bit lackluster, and lacking energy and/or purpose. I want to identify the feeling for you. That feeling you’re having….it’s called learned helplessness.

Here’s the definition of learned helplessness: A condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression.

Hmmmm, sound familiar? We’re in the middle of pandemic. People we know and love are getting sick and we are burdened with deciphering medical information daily. Our nation is going through a process of much overdue healing and acknowledgement of systemic racism through national protests. If you’re a person of color, this feeling is likely even heavier than your white counterparts. We’re learning online and “zooming” everything – we’re disconnected, wearing masks, and everything is socially distanced. This is creating a huge sense of disconnect and powerlessness.

Maybe, you’ve gotten a bit ahead through a PPP loan, a very late unemployment check, a positive zoom call, getting school schedules set up only to face a setback, watch the news and feel overwhelmed with violence, job loss, or someone you love getting sick. It’s a lot to process right now.

This feeling of learned helplessness looks like disconnect, despair, sadness, withdrawal. It can cause a great deal of anxiety as well.

Does this sound like anyone? Are you feeling this way?

So, how do we address learned helplessness?

First, we must acknowledge what is happening and how we feel.  We need words for our internal state. In psychology, we have a cheesy saying, “You’ve got to name it to tame it.” So first, we must call it what it is.  

Then, start making decisions that give you options; and try to give choices to others, especially your children. Helplessness often comes from a feeling that we are closed in with little control. So, even small choices for yourself or others can feel helpful. Here are some examples:

·       Where we’re working from

·       Who we’re spending time with

·       Physical boundaries at home to designate work space and personal space.

·       Emotional boundaries about when, how and where we want to talk about stress or sadness

·       How we’re taking care of ourselves  – even in small ways

·       Small choices like what we’re having for breakfast, what we wear that day or how we drive to work

·       Putting a date on our calendar with someone we love

·       Give two choices to a child, both of which are acceptable.

Next, create some structure. Structure, predictability and consistency are the key to battling fatigue and overwhelm. School starting will help because it imposes some structure. But, I also recognize that school may cause a great deal of stress right now as well. So, here are some other small ways to create structure and consistency.

·       Establish a family game night

·       Eat and plan meals together

·       Attend religious functions, even if online

·       Create bedtime routines now that we’re moving into fall and school

·       Find an activity your family enjoys and put it on the calendar – this gives you all something to look forward to

In summary, I wanted to identify for you that “blah” listless feeling you may have been experiencing. It’s called learned helplessness. We must first name it, then acknowledge it, then give ourselves some chances to make choices and establish routines.

I’m thinking of all of you as we navigate our way through these new periods and ever-changing times. Take care of you. Hug your kids. Reach out for help. I’m here for you!

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

Please join our FB group- Here

Some of you are already sending your kids back to school – in person and online. Every fall, I’m delighted to see kids in excited anticipation heading back to school. Plus, and I’m sure this makes you happy too, I love seeing all of my friends and their kids grow a year older, declare dreams, and smile brightly as they welcome a new teacher or friend. And this year, I’m sad at the same time. I see kids in masks and overburdened teachers welcoming children who feel overcome and uncertain. Five year-olds starting kindergarten on Google classrooms is not what we’d hope to see this fall.

So, that said, I want to provide all of you a few straightforward reminders as we all head back to school in any capacity. 

Most importantly – we are all doing the best we can. Teachers, parents and students. 

Teachers did not sign up for teaching during a pandemic. Whether they’re in person or online, each one is figuring out how to do this for the first time. If a teacher is in-person, they are worried about their health, your kids’ health and their own family’s health. And if they are online, they are faced with trying to teach distracted, overwhelmed kids in meaningful ways. Please give our teachers grace and understanding. Several teachers have reached out to me in tears saying that this way of teaching feels like being a first year teacher all over again and they’re trying to figure everything out that’s new. Thank a teacher. 

Parents did not sign up for this either. Parents are working, we are homeschooling, and we are worried about exposure. We’re trying to be medical educators for our kids, social directors for lonely, isolated kids and athletic trainers for kids with no sports. Parents – be kind to each other. If your friends are choosing a different path – be encouraging vs. discouraging or judgmental. Reach out to another mom and see if she’s ok. Wrap in another child to your online learning program. Just be there for each other. 

Children look to us as to whether or not they are ok. And by this, I’m not saying you have to have your stuff together all the time. I get it – none of us are totally “ok” right now and there is a great deal of uncertainty. But, please understand that if we model to kids that things are uncertain, but that we’re doing our best in uncertainty, they will observe our ability to face adversity. If teachers embrace whatever circumstance they are in with positivity and guidance, children will pick up on their efforts. If parents model encouragement and support for school and teachers, children will know to trust educators. If we all acknowledge for our kids that this is “absolutely crazy and not what we expected but we’re going to make the best of it,” they WILL BE OK. We can show them how to face hard stuff and work through it. Facing adversity as a challenge versus a hardship builds resilience. 

That’s what I mean when I say “kids will be ok if we’re ok.” What I mean is that kids will be ok if we model that, despite these uncertain times, we’re making the best of it. 

Just the other day, I talked with a teacher about social distancing and mask wearing and all the things. She said that in her classroom, they are decorating masks and using lily pads to hop about the classroom for breaks. “If we’re ‘two lily pads apart,’ we’re safe.” And you know what? The kids hopped all over the room with their decorated masks – they did it and showed incredible resilience because the adults in their lives showed them how. 

So, be kind to each other. Show grace. Know that we are all doing our best this fall. And no, I am not quite sure what we are going to do about Halloween yet, because we are simply going to tackle one next moment when it comes. Just one day, one week, one momentous occasion, one holiday at a time.

With kindness and compassion,

Dr. Amy
 

Well, given the response to last week’s post,  it appears to have met a need that we all have – guidance. My hope (and that of my guest contributor, Dr. Kristin Valerius) was to offer guidance and perspective in a way that allowed all of you to focus on comprehensive information without as much fear. Don’t get me wrong, I’m overwhelmed with these decisions too. Often, fear overrides my rationality and I just want to keep my kids at home and pretend none of this is happening. But I cannot. And neither can you.
 
To that end, we have created a tool to help you quantify these difficult decisions. I won’t belabor its content. Take the quiz yourself and find out! Dr. Kristin spent countless hours creating a tool that might guide you to your next best step. Please know that we recognize no decision is perfect. No decision is the “right” decision. We simply want parents to have access to tools and make informed decisions.
 
Know this: There is no shame in whatever decision you make for you and your family. Every decision (other than the stay-at-home 100% and go crazy, if you’re like me!) is difficult and involves some level of risk. You don’t have to justify your decision to other moms, teachers, friends on the internet – no one. We all make the best decisions we can at the time, with the information we have access to, at that time.
 
COVID Decision-Making Tool
 
Click below to download a questionnaire to help guide your decision about returning to school this fall. When creating this tool, we started with available adult supervision knowing that supervision for children is critical and was not available to all parents this spring. As well, engaging in homeschooling requires adult support and scaffolding, not simply supervision. Second, we considered underlying health conditions and overall adjustment to distance learning this past spring.
 
When answering questions about adjustment and next steps, don’t think about your worst or best days. In general, ask yourself, how did things go this spring? Were you able to meet the academic needs of your child, manage sibling relationships and have little conflict with your child? And, did your child fare well? Did he/she meet academic expectations, feel manageable and adjust well emotionally and behaviorally?  

Results
 
Recommendations for next steps fall into several categories based on your answers. If you had multiple columns with high scores, that indicates several competing challenges. We recommend you reach out to school professionals, your pediatrician and/or a mental health provider. In general, we want to encourage you to use the systems available to you – it’s what they are there for, including resources at your child’s school. We recommend having 2-3 meetings with professionals if your column D scores are heavily weighed.  

Socialization, regardless of choice, is critical. Reach out to other parents – we’re all facing enormous stress right now. Create some circles of support for you and your children so that you can all have socialization opportunities. For some parents, this may take a bit of preparation now. Many of the children we work with have found building strong friendships outside of school challenging. Maybe your child had good friends in school, but you haven’t really connected with those parents outside of school. It can feel a bit intimidating at times to try and make that connection with someone you don’t know well. But our world is so different now, and the truth is we are all hungry for connection. When we were busy with sports, jobs, and so many other events certain playdates may have been hard to fit in. But one of the silver-linings from COVID (please let there be some!) is that a simplified schedule leaves more opportunity and desire to meet up outdoors at the park and try and build that out-of-school connection. So take the chance to reach out to that family that you just don’t know well and build a bridge!

In addition, families may want to explore social-emotional learning resources. Small social groupings might be best for kids that struggle socially while older kids might consider alternate activities such as volunteering, a first job, joining a youth group, or seeking out a mentoring role—there will be many younger kids who just might do much better on a class assignment sitting next to a “cool big older kid” than they will with their parents. Given concerns about transmission, we recognize less social engagement might be necessary; but be aware of complete isolation. It’s simply not healthy for you or your children.

Finally, we’d love to hear from you. If you’re willing to submit your results, we want to compile them for decision-makers on local and state levels. To submit your results save the excel spreadsheet once you’ve entered all your answers. Attach it to an email and send it to ksvalerius@sundstromclinic.com. If you want to send your results encrypted simply start with an email to the above with “secure email” in the subject line. Dr. Kristin will respond to your email with a encrypted email. In your reply you can then attach your email and it will be all secured!!
 
We hope this assessment tool helps to guide informed decisions. I want to reiterate, no decision is the right decision – only the one that’s right for you. We are all doing the best we can during precarious times.
 
Let’s keep learning together!
 
Dr. Amy & Dr. Kristin
PS – thank goodness for friends! Dr. Kristin’s brain works so much differently than mine – while our philosophy and messaging is the same, her ability to use excel is STEALTH! Huge thanks to her!

Hello friends,

Just as I finished up writing how to reset summer, emails, DM’s and posts are flooding every inbox with a cry for help around how to answer the question – What about school this fall?  Some of you have to make decisions within weeks while others have a month or so. Regardless, the decisions surrounding school are complex and multi-layered. Add to that a lack of leadership around next steps and messaging that vacillates between terrifying and overwhelming to the point of paralyzing and one aspect becomes crystal clear: We need a way to make a thoughtful decision.
 
Even as I write this, I fear excoriation. Perhaps half of you will stop following me. Maybe you’ll love me more. But one observation I’ve made is that, while there is plenty of information (and misinformation), there is a paucity of professional opinion and guidance for next steps. Fear is flooding the news and social media. Teachers and parents are terrified. So, I feel compelled to offer some thoughts and direction.
 
To that end, I’ve partnered with a colleague, Dr. Kristin Valerius. Jointly, we have over 40 years’ experience working with children and families. We are also working in collaboration with medical experts to carefully digest ways to support children and families. What follows represents two psychologists’ (and moms of 5 kids between us) humble, but thoughtful and informed opinions, about next steps for our kids this fall.
 
First, let us engage in some level-setting:

1. Avoiding risk is a privilege. As we think about return to school, deciding “whether or not” we should go back and how that might look represents privilege. When our nation shut down in March, no one asked the Safeway stockers if they wanted to return to work. No one asked physicians and nurses if it felt “safe enough” for them. We expected our mail to be delivered, our garbage to be picked up, our homes to be safe in the event of fire or robbery, and our health to be our physicians’ number one priority.

To the mamas out there working second shift as an essential worker and the first responders who go to work without a second thought, we thank you. We recognize that you had no choice but to step into the burning house.

1. Any exposure to risk might be non-negotiable for you. Perhaps you or someone you live with has a disease or health condition that puts you/them at risk. Even for those essential workers, those who fell into a vulnerable health population were often given concession. If that’s you, we get that too. In no way are we encouraging parents, family members or children to gamble with their health.

2. Policy should be proximate to the pain. I wish we were so wise, but this quote is from Dr. Jeff Duncan-Andrade, professor at SFSU. What he was encouraging educators and leaders to consider was that we most focus on what is best for the most vulnerable people and that will help lead us to the best policy. We recognize that, for some families, being away from school – the structure, safety, nourishment and resources it provides – is deleterious to children’s health. When weighing risk and needs, our most vulnerable families – those with food insecurities, homelessness, physical safety concerns and lack of adult supervision – are in most need of systemic supports and resources from our schools. It is imperative for schools to creatively consider ways to support our most vulnerable students. And it is equally imperative that if you are a family with privilege that does not consider yourself vulnerable, it is upon you to look out for those families too. They are all of our children.

Second, let’s be sure our decisions are based on scientific, researched information.

1. Get informed. Much of the delirium and angst that parents, teachers and schools are facing are coming from opinion and others’ fears; and, unfortunately, not educated scientists who specialize in the areas of mental health, school, and medicine. Two websites that we have found quite helpful and informative are:

   1. COVID Explained. https://explaincovid.org/

   2. Don’t Forget the Bubbles. https://dontforgetthebubbles.com/evidence-summary-paediatric-covid-19-literature/

   3. ACES Connection. https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/a-better-normal-education-upended-the-return-to-school-episode

1. Guided recommendations.

   1. Infection and disease burden. A review of the research shows that kids are not getting infected with COVID-19 at the same as older populations. And when they do, their symptoms are mild and often asymptomatic.

OK, perhaps that’s not reassuring b/c you’re still worried about them being asymptomatic and getting teachers and staff sick, right?

1. Transmission. Increasingly, the available research suggests that kids are less likely to spread the virus to others, as well. Across multiple countries, children have rarely been the “index case” that started a cluster of infection (even though asymptomatic adults have frequently been identified as index cases)…nor have they been the first one in a family to be infected. Several studies from schools re-opening have shown that when COVID+ children or staff attended school, the people they came in contact with did not get COVID. There is still much work to do in replicating and reviewing this research, but there is good reason to believe that protecting children and teachers from transmission is possible.  

To note – it’s not helpful that there are hundreds of IG stories and funny FB satires on teachers’ expressing worry about kindergarteners picking each others’ noses, middle schoolers swapping spit, or teenagers being buffoons regarding social distancing. The research is clear – while kids spread a lot of other diseases (the flu, for instance) they’re not spreading COVID at the same rate! So, please stop watching these and terrifying yourselves!!

1. Mortality. As well, their mortality rate is less than 2% of the entire mortality rate of “all things that children die from each year.” Read that again, because many of you are listening to news that takes a student population (let’s say 2,000 kids in a high school) and saying that 40 kids (2% of 2000) are going to die. That’s simply not true! The CDC reports 42 deaths out of the 53 million school age children in our country (a rate of .0001%). Applied to our state of 583,000 school age children we would expect less than 1 student death! Indeed, out of the 1700 pediatric cases in Oregon we have had no deaths. The likelihood that our children are going to die from COVID is less likely that many other illnesses, natural disasters, or events such as a school shooting.

We’re all terrified of losing someone we love. We are not minimizing loss and grief at all and we recognize that many of you have experienced this loss first hand. At the same time, we don’t want parents inappropriately worried about their child dying because the research simply does not indicate that as a likely outcome.
 
What is clear is that adults are transmitting the virus at high rates. Although we’re not concerned about rates of transmission b/w kids based on a literature review, we remain concerned about teachers and other adults infecting each other. We highly recommend schools have systems in place for adult behavior. For instance, precautions in teacher lounges, offices, supply rooms, libraries and other common spaces. It’s likely not a good idea for teachers to share supplies, classrooms or other physical property whenever possible.
 
Finally, now that we have had some level-setting AND we’re guided by factual information, let’s dig into what many of you are overwhelmed by – the multiple decisions regarding how school might look this fall. We recognize, that we are faced with less-than ideal options and that there is no “right” answer. There are no absolute truths; and, decisions you make will be multi-layered. What we encourage you to ponder involves decisions that are genuine to you and your family. No one else’s circumstances are quite your own – so asking friends and neighbors might be validating and help you process; but those are simply opinions. Consider the following when deciding what is best for your family:

1. Consider your relationships. We truly believe that many parent-child relationships were strained this spring. Parents limped by for 6-8 weeks of schooling with threats, fatigue, lack of information, angry conversations and crying kids. Parents felt overwhelmed in balancing work demands and home demands in addition to creating learning plans at home. No one signed up for the crisis we faced and we all did the best we could for spring school. That said, it’s our professional opinion that utilizing the same model for the 2020 school year may be detrimental to your relationship with your child. If you or your child struggled to adjust to schooling this spring consider an alternate plan. The attachment and quality of relationship you have with your children is one of their most important wellness resources!!

2. Kids mental health has and continues to suffer. In May, we saw a huge rise in depression, helplessness, suicidal behavior, anger and withdrawal. We are seeing another rise this summer as uncertainty about the future, including but not limited to, the future of school and social isolation. From early childhood to teens, we are seeing a spike in sadness, anger and isolation. We witness similar symptoms in parents. Children require consistency, structure and predictability to thrive. As well, they are meant to be social. However that might look, it is important to begin to craft a “best practice” plan so that children may realize those themes.

3. Ask a medical and/or mental expert about your unique situation. Just because your friend’s child has asthma, does not mean that your child’s asthma will present the same way or have the same outcomes in a school environment. The same is true for mental health, chronic medical conditions, learning difficulties, or special needs. Reach out to your pediatrician and/or psychologist to glean information about what is best for your unique child. That professional can help you wade through the complexities of your child and family and help you come to a decision that is best for you and your child.

4. Children are resilient. There is a lot of information out there that returning to school for children will be traumatizing. That wearing masks, asking children to socially distance themselves, or not hug/touch each other will create acute fear and trauma. As an expert on trauma and resilience – I want you to consider the following:

   1. Kids will rise up to the expectations that adults set out for them. If we explain masks, hand-washing and social distancing to them in developmentally appropriate ways, they can and will understand. If I can explain executive functioning to kindergarteners, you bet we can explain mask-wearing and “sneaky germs” in a way that doesn’t escalate fear but builds compliance.

   2. Kids are born to be resilient. Working through crises and problem solving actually creates resilient children. Kids have now gone through active shooter drills in our schools. Kids face bullying, isolation, failure and peer pressure in schools. And yet, kids show us every day that they will rise up.

   3. Resilience can be taught, modeled and improved upon.

   4. Kids regulate their emotions based on relationships with healthy adults. We tend to agree that if teachers and administrators model angst and overwhelm this fall, kids will emulate those behaviors. But if teachers model best practice, regulating behaviors and have genuine talks about fears, concerns and overwhelm, kids will mirror us. Equally, parents set the tone for whether all of this is OK. Your children need to hear the calm consistent message that “This is hard and is really a bummer, but we can adjust and deal with hard things…our flexibility and making smart choices will get us through!”

5. Create a village of homeschool collaboration. We believe it’s critically important to begin to reach out to other parents right now. Whether you’re participating in a full-time homeschool option or some type of hybrid option, this next step is imperative.

   1. Find a small group of parents with whom you can homeschool and collaborate. 3-6 families total.

   2. Make an agreement about health and safety concerns and how you might handle kids behaviors consistently.

   3. Invite them to create a “collaborative” of sorts where each parent takes a turn being in charge of a day.

   4. When it’s “your day” – you’re in charge of creating structure, support, meals & snacks, physical outlets and inspiration. Then you get to be done!

   5. A collaborative allows structure, support and predictability as well as socialization with peers – critical ingredients to success! As well, it allows parents a chance to work and have breaks – another critical ingredient.

6. Wrap in another kid. Remember what we said before? There are kids whose parents may not be in a position to offer a full day of support. Wrap another child into your collaborate. Invite their parent to participate or contribute in a meaningful way. Perhaps that parent can make healthy snacks or lunches. Maybe he/she can review papers at night or provide an outing for the kids on the weekend? Don’t lose out on an opportunity to be inclusive. It is our hope that once the cohort groups are built in your child’s classroom that parents can review their cohort and see who may need an invitation to join their collaborative on the “off-days.”

7. Use numbers. To this end, Dr. Valerius has create a decision tree that might help you in your process. This tool will drive a decision that is filled with emotion to become more quantifiable. See, anxiety loves “what ifs” and “look over here.” It cringes at observable numbers and data. So, we thought a decision tree would be quite helpful for those of you that need help weighing pros and cons.

 
Stay tuned! The decision tree is coming! We’ll post it next week. Take time digesting this information first.
 
We hope this helps you find calm within chaos. We hope that you feel direction and support. Please know we are guiding families through these decisions every day and we are making decisions for our own children as well. None of these choices do we take lightly.
 
Please do not hesitate to comment below with thoughts and questions.
 
You can always reach me at awstoeber@hotmail.com and Dr. Valerius at ksvalerius@sundstromclinic.com.  
 
In the meantime, we stand with all of you as we walk through difficult times. We cherish your children and want only the best for our children, communities and schools.
 
With humility and kindness,
Dr. Amy & guest contributor, Dr. Kristin Valerius

P.S. Join our FB group here – see you soon!

Hello friends – I’m so excited that so many of you have joined our private Facebook group, Parenting with Intention. Questions are flying and support is growing for our community of parents who want “more” than just books and quick tips – but truly want to be intentional about parenting and creating a village of support as we muck through parenting together. 

Well, it’s here. We’re into the full swing of summer – COVID spikes and all. It’s as if summer says, “I’m still here, promising long days outside and full, sunny days, even if you are not ready to fully welcome me.” Amidst so much uncertainly and social unrest, summer comes in with its blanket of warmth and offers relaxation and reprieve. While we are well into July, we’re already looking at school’s return this fall. 

And yet, there’s still time for summer reset. Kids and families need a few weeks of calm, if possible.

Here are 5 ideas to reset with your kids this summer. Even if it’s just a few, short weeks.

1. Detox from screens. If you haven’t done this, I highly recommend it. Given how much time kids spent on screens this spring – between distance learning and social connections, their brains need a reset. Put away phones, tablets and video games, or considerably lessen their allowed time. Place phones in baskets during meals, creating charging stations and take time to pause on video games. This goes for us as parents, too. For more information, check this out: Digital Detox. 

1. Get embodied. Embodiment means being present and experiencing life in our bodies. During quarantine and unrest, our bodies need movement and presence with our senses. Get outside. Stretch. Dig your fingers into sand and dirt. Look into someone’s eyes and experience presence. Play. Here’s a great resource from a colleague of mine, Dr. Dodson-Magee: 

1. Play local. I’m as sad as you are, my friends, at all of the canceled fun this summer. Sports, vacations, camps, and gatherings have been canceled and limited. So, go find new spots. Go on day hikes. Find places in your state you’ve never explored or support a little business or restaurant in an neighborhood you’ve not visited. Go for a long drive and get lost in conversation with your kids. They’ll bemoan you at first; but they’ll remember these experiences forever. Here’s a fun idea: Google “hikes near me for families” – I literally hit a hiking jackpot. Let your kids pick a spot! 

1. Be social, but be safe. I understand that we all want to spend time with other people – we’re social beings. But safety is paramount right now. So, find time to be social and safe. Maybe it means physically distanced chats in your neighborhood or playdates outside on bikes. Perhaps, it’s camping with friends outdoors or kayaking on the river. You can be social and still find safety. If you haven’t had a chance to read last week’s newsletter on what is developmentally appropriate for kids and mask-wearing – click here. 

1. Unwind. Find some moments over the next few weeks to lean into rest. This spring, there was a surge of home improvement projects, puzzles, frenetic home-schooling and restlessness as we struggled with what to do during mandatory stay-at-home time. But, summer begs lazy days and rest. Let your kids build forts, climbing structures, and play in sprinklers. Get out paints and bubbles and jump ropes. Lay in the grass, check out stars and go camping in your own back yard. It’s important that we allow ourselves time to rest, especially with so much going on in our world and in our country.

This fall will be here and schools, in whatever format, will be here before we know it. So recharge and reconnect. Take time to rest and find reprieve. Your kids will thank you for modeling the self-care and relationship tending that these ideas provide. 

It’s not to late to reset for this summer – our kids’ minds and hearts need some calm from all of the chaos more than ever. 

I hope to see you inside our Facebook group, or drop me a line and let me know how your summer is going.

With compassion,

Dr. Amy

P.S. Join our FB group here – see you soon!

Hello friends – welcome! For those of you who are new to our village, I’m Dr. Amy – I’m a licensed psychologist, consultant and trainer. I specialize in helping professionals and parents recognize stress and trauma in children and foster resilience-building skills to decrease long-term effects for children. 

And, before I get started today, let me be sure to invite you to my new, private FB group – you can find out all about it here. We’re creating a village of parents who want more than traditional parenting advice from a supportive community of parents and a realistic, practical expert. 

 

We are currently creating huge amounts of stress for children by not talking to them about COVID, mask-wearing, social distancing and other important health behaviors. So, hang in here with me as I half rant/half educate on what we should be doing to protect children right now. 

 

This past weekend was a holiday and we’re moving full-swing into summer months. I know that right now, our nation’s COVID rates are at a dramatic height. So, wear your masks! It’s not hard! It takes 2 seconds and can save lives. This, in no way, is an anti-mask message. At the same time, I think we can be responsible about COVID but not continue to stress out our kids and traumatize them – and when I say kids, I’m referring to little people under the age of 15. 

 

With sunny skies and BBQ’s for weeks to come, I wanted to message everyone about ways to be safe, but not hurt children. 

 

None of the preventative measures we need to take for health and safety are developmentally appropriate for kids – that’s why older kids are balking at this – they don’t understand their role and we’ve used fear tactics vs. compassion and conversation to understand what’s going on. With younger kids, we’re scaring them without conversations and understanding. In Oregon, there was a commercial that highlighted “Don’t Kill Grandma” by hugging her. Can you imagine how that child must feel? What if grandma actually died? Geez! At the grocery store, I see moms (understandably frightened as COVID rates spike) yell at their kids at the grocery store “don’t touch that” “stay away from people” – kids look terrified. So, I’m going to talk about some ways to alleviate this stress. 

 

Get educated! Stop listening to your neighbor or your FB friend or your buddy from work about his/her opinion on COVID – masks save lives, being outdoors is better than being indoors and if you can’t keep socially distanced, then being with just the people you live with is the most safe. So, if you’re thinking about a get-togethers and BBQ’s this summer, think outdoors, think wide spaces. Or think about staying home. 

 

Begin to have tough conversations with people with whom you’re socializing. I’ve talked with families for months now about the intersection of risk and comfort. If you’re going places, getting together for small gatherings, etc, you’ve already accepted some risk. At that point, decide what would make you feel most comfortable while taking the risk. For example, at our family BBQ this past weekend, we had two families over for the holiday. This means accepting some risk. What we did to be most comfortable with the risk was to clearly communicate expectations.  

 

For example, it was ok with us for people to come over as long as they stayed outside. People brought their own chairs. Food was kept outside. Hand sanitizer was put out when shared utensils were being used. The only reason people entered our home (except for the people that live here) were to use the restroom. And then, the quickest route to the restroom was made and wipes were made available to wipe down the faucet, sink and door knobs on guests’ way out. 

 

While this might sound laborious, it allowed us to be clear and comfortable while taking some risk with the benefit of socialization and community. So, have the tough conversations. 

 

Include kids in conversations about the “why”. For younger kids, instead of terrifying them, talk to them about how germs spread and why we’re taking preventative measures. 

1. Let them know it keeps everyone safe. Allow them to make their own masks, decorate them, wear costume masks or sunglasses too. Know that some of these necessary procedures are embarrassing and strange for kids. 

2. Let them know it’s ok to ask questions and that we all look funny right now. 

3. Let your kids know what IS ok – it’s ok to hug mommy; but it’s not ok to hug grandma right now until we wash our hands; or we can talk to grammy through a window or in the backyard. We can send her love notes, poems, talk to her on facetime. We can make meals for her. 

 

Constantly focusing on what kids “can’t” do is not helping. Kids are supposed to be social. They’re supposed to hug, play next to, run in gaggles, and clump together – we’re asking them to do what is NOT developmentally appropriate. So, for goodness sake, instead of shaming them or terrifying them – none of which has a health policy history of working…..instead, have conversations with them. Let them know that we’re being extra cautious right now because these germs are sneaky and invisible. 

 

The same is true for older kids. For goodness sake, if you have an 18-25 year old who’s acting selfish and you’re judging them and shaming them; instead, try having a conversation with them: 

• “Talk to me about your behavior and why you feel like this is safe?”

• “Are you aware of the dangers?”

• “If you’re going to be out and about, how can you limit exposure to others?”

This  population of young people are supposed to be invincible and autonomous – it’s developmentally appropriate for them to be. So, instead of asking them to NOT do what is normal; instead, ask them thoughtful questions and encourage them to self-reflect. 

So, those thoughts come down to 5 practical strategies:

1. Know what’s developmentally appropriate for kids. If you’re not sure, ask someone like me, your pediatrician, or a teacher. But please, stop asking google and FB friends unless they’re a physician, educators or mental health expert.

2. Educate yourself about what’s appropriate right now to keep kids and families safe. We have to provide socialization without shame in ways that address needs for kids to be social, but still keep them safe.

3. Have conversations about the intersection of comfort and risk with anyone you’re going to spend time with – and if you can’t have that conversation, you probably shouldn’t spend time with them.

4. Include kids in conversations that focus on what they can do vs. what they can’t.

5. Encourage empowerment and socialization in healthy ways vs. shame and terror. 

 

That’s it. 

Wear your masks. Have conversations and STOP terrifying children.

Dr. Amy

 

PS – if you haven’t joined my free, private FB group, do it now! I can’t wait to have you join these discussions. Click here to join!

Happy Summer Friends – Believe me, I know it’s not all bright and cheery – as I type this, COVID rates are up (Come on! Please wear your masks friends!), our nation is facing a long-overdue dismantling of systemic racism, and parents (not to mention teachers and our kids) are barely recovering from distance learning. 

Amidst everything, I’m continuing to look for ways to serve you, my community of parents, teachers and professionals (and those of you that wear all the hats). Here are some important things I’ve been up to….

1. We hired a new administrative coordinator for our team – meet Sammy Magaña. Sammy exudes energy and she’s an absolute delight to work with on all things newsletter, social media and other tasks we’re overwhelmed with on team Dr. Amy. Here’s a picture of our team on a zoom meeting recently:  

2. We’re hosting a 2-day intensive for teachers in August. If you’re a teacher or know a teacher who needs 2 days in wine country to engage in self-care and learn with a community of colleagues about how to build resilience in students, I sure hope you join us! We’re doing yoga, drinking wine, become resilience-building champions and creating an amazingly strong community! Sign up here!

3. Third and not the least important – we’re building a new, free online group for parents on Facebook. It’s called Parenting with Intention and you can join here. Parenting with Intention will inform me about how to create meaningful resources for parents, but even if you never take the course, I want this community for all of you! To that end, we hosted a focus group last week because I truly wanted to know how to best serve all of you! Thank you to those of you who joined – it meant so much to me! Here are a few snippets of what I learned……

• You want a community of like-minded parents where you can say, “this is hard for me” and not feel shame.

• You need practical, useful tools to implement.

• You want help around discipline, disrespect, teen worlds, consistency and setting limits.

• You want ways to connect with your kids.

• You want peer support from other parents. 

• You DON’T want to be asked to journal….HA!

• You DON’T want to read one more book with impractical advice.

• You DON’T want to read books at all, really.

• You want expert advice.

• You want humor and transparency. 

• What else??? This group is for you, by you and will hopefully lead to amazing things! 

That’s it from my neck of the woods here at the farm…. Oh, did you need one more picture of what goes on around the farm? Here you go – my daughter with some foster kittens.

Can’t wait to see you in our new, free FB group. Join now!   

Dr. Amy

PS – Did you hear me on Modern Mommy Doc? Check it out!

Educator friends – Whew! Have you felt the collective sigh? Or, are you still feeling the tension of spring? If you haven’t already read my recent post about how to say goodbye to your students, it’s not too late to read it here.

Are you feeling relieved?

Burnt out?

Overwhelmed with unknowns?

Worried about students?

 

AND….

 

Are you needing some re-fueling for your soul?

Would you benefit from camaraderie?

How about sun, wine and compassionate colleagues?

Would it feel good to have some self-care within a community of teachers?

 

I feel you. Making it through this spring was hard for so many of you. There were (and continue to be) so many unknowns. I met and spoke with teachers and administrators in tears. I saw your posts of worry, inspiration, overwhelm and laughter with students. 

 

I know you’ve put everything aside this spring to take care of your students, and now, it’s time to take care of you!

 

Please join me for an upcoming retreat – where wellness meets education and collaboration. Think of it like an edu-stay-cation….self-care will be balanced with learning and community. You are going to get re-set before you enter back into what is sure to be a tumultuous learning experience this fall. Before you can venture back into so many unknowns, let’s refuel and prepare ourselves for the unpredictable.

 

Our content will focus on what it takes to create resilient children, thriving classrooms and systemic leadership that creates change in schools. You’ll receive support and guidance for both within-class techniques as well as system-wide shifts. Information will be practical and actionable in your classrooms right away. And you’ll become a champion for resilience-building in the classroom and beyond. 

 

But this 2-day intensive is also just as much about self-care. In order to be compassionate educators who champion for children, you must first be whole. We’ll have tough discussions and inspiring conversation. We’ll move our bodies, feed our tummies and fuel our minds for two and half days together. If you haven’t met me before, please know I lead with wisdom, humor, transparency and LOTS of relatable stories. Plus, I’m a great facilitator for rich conversations. 

 

SIGN UP HERE! 

 

What about COVID? We’ve got you covered! The retreat will take place outdoors, on my private farm in the wine country. We’re capping our registration at 45 attendees and will keep social distancing guidelines in mind to ensure that we have a safe, open-air environment for everyone.

 

Please email me and let me know what questions you have because space is limited and seats will fill. Who would want to miss out on two and a half days in wine country surrounded by like-minded educators and inspiring information?

 

Let’s learn together,

 

Dr. Amy

PS – If you’re an administrator and would like to sponsor a teacher to participate, let me know. With a lot of budgets getting cut, perhaps you need to create one or two champions for your school. Or, if you have a large group of teachers who want a special, individualized training, let me know that too! We can be creative and find ways to meet your needs, create a community of champions at your schools, and work with your budget.

Hello friends, – if you’re like me, your heart is heavy. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, school is ending without fervor, and we are amidst a call for national healing regarding racism. As a white psychologist and mother, I am not an expert on anti-racism (there are links below to black authors and educators who are experts); but what I will offer you is my experience. With humility. 
 

I still remember some of my friends and family members rolling their eyes when I bought my 18-month-old daughter (now 15) a black baby doll. Her name was Rosie and she was so loved. It offered the opportunity to engage in a lot of uncomfortable conversations with people as Rosie was carted around (or when we bought black barbies or I bought books about diversity for our home). Here were some of the questions/comments we (my daughter and I) remember:
 

“Why would you get her a black doll when she’s white?”

“She’s not going to have a black baby when she’s older, so why now?”

“What’s the point in this?” 

I tried hard as my kids were growing up to be intentional about the type of media and books they were exposed to as well as how topics around diversity & equity were covered at school. As we were brainstorming this weekend, here are just a few books they remember and loved (a more thorough link to books on racism and inclusivity are included below):
 

The Snowy Day. Author: Keats

Henry’s Freedom Box: A True Story from the Underground Railroad. Author: Levine

It’s OK to be Different. Author: Parr

He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands. Author: Nelson

A People’s History of the United States. Author: Zinn

Fast forward to preschool and my son confronting a peer at the sand table when he had two boy play figures getting married. The example here is not of racial diversity, but rights for the LGBTQ+ community.

Peer: Jack, boys can’t marry each other.

Jack: Yes they can. 

Peer: Boys marry girls, not other boys.

Jack: (Louder, frustrated) That’s not true. 

Peer: It is true. Boys and girls get married. You’re wrong Jack!!

Jack: (big voice) Boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls;

and all of them can have babies and families….
 

And then, last night at the dinner table, as we discussed race, protests and our nation’s pain for (I’m not even sure how many) nights in a row….my daughter looks at me and says, “Mom, don’t you think that a person who’s black maybe acts differently from the moment he or she gets pulled over or talked to by a cop because they’re scared?” Tears. Genuine tears from me – I was prouder of her at that moment than any other academic lesson she could have mastered. She’s understanding a larger picture. 

 

I’ve always believed in the Southern Poverty Law Center’s curriculum, Starting Small. 
 

It encourages all of us to have many conversations about race and inclusivity from the earliest part of our children’s lives. White people do not do this to the same extent Black, Indigenous and People of Color (BIPOC) do while children are growing up. 
 

It’s my belief, as a psychologist, that any conversation worth having is worth having 100 times. Race and inclusivity is a great example.
 

I want to reiterate, as a white mom and psychologist, I do not proclaim to be an expert on anti-racism. I continue to try to learn and grow every day. But I do feel that it’s obligated to us as parents to have these very difficult conversations with our children on a regular basis from the time they are small. And to offer allyship to our friends, colleagues and community members who are BIPOC. 

On another note, I would love it if you joined me for an upcoming focus group on Parenting and Discipline. We will meet for one hour on June 17th at 7 pm. It’s free and an opportunity to inform me about your biggest parenting struggles so that I can better serve you in our blog and in upcoming parenting courses that I offer.
 

Parenting with Intention Focus Group.

With great humility and compassion,

Dr. Amy

Resources:
 

New York Times columnist Jessica Grose put together the following books about anti-racism and protest:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/parenting/kids-books-racism-protest.html

Amazing Authors and Educators on anti-racism:

Rachel Cargle – https://www.rachelcargle.com/

Southern Poverty Law Center – https://www.splcenter.org/

Teaching Tolerance – https://www.tolerance.org/

On Instagram: @RaiseGoodKids, @kidsrcapable, @ohhappydani

Hello Friends – I know so many of you are beginning to wrap up the school year. If you haven’t read the last special edition blog post for all of you, you can find it here. I hope you found it inspiring and a way to create motivation and determination to make it to the end of this unprecedented school year. You are not alone in this process.
 
Today, I want to talk about an important topic: How to say goodbye. Goodbyes are never easy. At their best, they are a well-crafted ceremony, an embrace, thoughtful words or a ritual of closing. Goodbyes can be bittersweet. Sometimes they symbolize moving on, moving ahead, an accomplishment or the completion of an era.
 
This year, for almost all of you, goodbye was sudden. It was unplanned and unintentional. There were students one day and classrooms full of busy chatter, hallways buzzing with projects, posters, and rambunctious students. And then there was nothing. There were graduations planned and ceremonies to be held. You were amidst bright eyes beginning to sound out words, teens making critical connections and middle schoolers discovering themselves. And then you were not. You were in the middle of teaching about The Renaissance, helping 3rd graders multiply, teaching kindergarteners about time and money, or teaching seniors about civil rights. And then the world said, “Pause.”
 
While you’ve shifted valiantly to online learning and distance education, it’s not been the same. You’ve reached out to struggling students, driven in parades to awaiting faces and made countless calls and emails to parents. You’ve shown up on Google meets and tried to help the young people make connections. You’ve done online videos reading to preschoolers and had marathon telephone sessions to be sure every student feels a sense of connection. All the while, you’ve worried about academic gaps, hungry students and children at home who lack support. You’ve helped those that can show up and encouraged students to “hang in there.” You’ve put aside lesson plans to focus on mental health. You’ve invited in siblings and dogs and reached out to distracted, overwhelmed students.
 
I see you.
 
And now, it’s time to say goodbye. A mentor of mine once talked to me about goodbyes and offered this sage advice: “Don’t just end. End well.” What he meant was that even though goodbyes are often overwhelming and emotion-filled, sudden and unrequested, it is important to go through this process. It’s important to model this process.
 
Sit In It
This is the hardest part. The part we want to avoid. But we must simply sit in the emotional pain of saying goodbye to an unplanned ending. Clean out classrooms, but allow yourself to sit in the middle of the room and miss your students. Sit on the rug where little bodies wriggle and allow yourself to cry. Perch on the desk where teens ponder and learn and allow yourself to miss them. Flip through the books, the posters, the artwork. Run your hands over name tags, close the books for your library, slide the lesson plan aside and just be. Show up for you so that you can say goodbye with your people. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that you never wanted to feel and an experience you did not sign up to understand.
 
Find a ritual
Rituals allow healing. Find a ritual that has meaning for you or your students and share the ritual with them. Choose one, simple ritual for your students which will allow them to experience closure. It’s important for them to experience a healthy goodbye, and you can help by modeling.
 
Here are some ideas:

• Share a poem with students to remember you, make it into a book mark.

• Create a virtual yearbook.

• Creating an album of class photos to post online.

• Email a Spotify list of favorite songs you listened to this spring.

• Send home rules for game to play for the summer.

• Start a post card letter-writing system for summer.

• Send a post card to students a month after school ends.

• Post silly goodbye photos on a Flipgrid (www.flipgrid.com) and encourage students to add theirs.

• Have students send you gifs about “how we feel about school ending”.

• Record a funny song, rap, or message for students.

 
If you have other ideas for closing rituals and saying goodbye, I’d LOVE it if you leave a comment below and share it with me – I’ll send out a list to everyone.
 
Here’s a poem I’d like to share with you by one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver. I hope it helps you slow down, take time to process and say goodbye to your students.
 
With compassion and respect,
 
Dr. Amy
 

In Blackwater Woods – by Mary Oliver
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.