I Want to Paint a Picture For You

Hey colleagues,

I want to paint a picture for you. Think back to December (I know that feels like eons ago for most of you). It’s the holiday season, and I celebrate Christmas. So, most of December presents a flood of plans, preparation, decorating, meal-making, cookie-baking, present-wrapping and mayhem. On top of that, #COVID pandemic, boosters, supporting healthcare leaders & healthcare heroes amidst omicron, staffing shortages, and overwhelming fatigue. Not to mention, I (like all of you) have my own personal stressors. BUT…hope is on the horizon because I blocked off the ENTIRE week between Christmas and New Year to get caught up on work, de-compress from Christmas, focus on family AND host my best friend who was coming into town for some much-needed girlfriend time.

And then…I got sick. With COVID. Here’s a peek into my inner dialogue:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS MY DOWNTIME! I DESERVE THIS TIME OFF! MY FRIEND IS HERE AND NOW I COULD GET HER SICK. I HAVE A BOOK TO WRITE. I HAVE CHRISTMAS TO DE-CLUTTER. I WANT TO REST AND RELAX AND ONLY INDULGE OBLIGATIONS I WANT TO INDULGE. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS RAPID TEST IS ACCURATE! MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE 14 MORE TO BE SURE. MY THROAT HURTS. I’M TIRED. I FEEL CONGESTED.

Then…

MAYBE I SHOULDN’T TEST. MAYBE THE RAPID TESTS AREN’T ACCURATE. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO ABOUT LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE – INFECTING PEOPLE NEEDLESSLY AND IN BLISSED IGNORANCE BECAUSE THIS JUST FEELS LIKE A COLD! I DON’T WANT TO MISS OUT ON ANY MORE GATHERINGS. I DON’T WANT TO MISS OUT ON TIME WITH MY FRIEND.

Then…

I’VE DONE ALL THE THINGS. I GOT VACCINATED. I GOT BOOSTED. I HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE VACCINATED AND BOOSTED. I GOT MY KIDS VACCINATED. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!

Then, softer and more thoughtful…

Right, I did a lot of “right” things like getting vaccinated & boosted (V&B) and hanging out with people who are ALSO V&B. But I didn’t completely isolate. I went to dinner with some V&B friends, I went to a small gathering (like 10 people) who were V&B, and I allow my kids to socialize. 

I’ve made some compromises with my physical health to protect my mental health. So, I wasn’t 100% safe, but GEEZ. I thought that’s why we jumped through all of these hoops. 

And then, realization…

It worked. I suffered a cold and fatigue for 3 days. Yes, I missed out on a chunk of time with my friend; and yes, I missed a small NYE gathering. But I didn’t die. I didn’t have to go to the ER. I didn’t worry my loved ones. I simply rested, drank fluids and felt lonely for a few days as I tried to be as distant from my family as possible. 

Do you see the process here? It’s grief – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, despair and acceptance. It is normal. My anger was righteous, my sadness understandable, my shock relatable and my acceptance reasonable. My process was not yours and it took me some time to come to a space of acceptance. Also, I realize that not everyone V&B has the same, easy-going experience with a quick recovery– and I feel for you.

My point is this:

If you’re going along and doing your best, you’re balancing what’s right for you with what’s good for others, you’re balancing mental health with physical health – that’s good enough right now. In fact, that’s amazing.

We’re in year three of a global pandemic with no rule book. We will have regrets and distress and reflections about how we handled this craziness. In the meantime, embrace the process and give yourself grace when you bump into your humanity.

With gratitude,

 

Dr. Amy